All articles that appear here have been submitted and reprinted with the permission of the authors. Copyrights are retained by the original authors and you must contact them for permission to reprint. If you have something you'd like to submit yourself please send it to ARTICLES@something-fishy.com

A Note to Self

By: Jennifer Stevens

Pain. The ache of darkness. The hole in your heart.

Everyday you wake up to feel it, there, within you, a persistent ache. How do you explain the pain? A doctor's shot or pill doesn't make it go away. Your folks tell you, "You look fine". As if that means that all is okay and nothing is wrong. Yet, you feel it. It consumes you, the dark loneliness. You look in the mirror, run your hands over your body and are surprised to realize that you can't see or feel the hole you know is right there. All day long it dogs your steps, mocking you as you try to ignore it and move past.

Not understanding how to fight it, controlled pain gives you a momentary feeling of triumph. When you are dealing with the pain of an empty stomach, the pain of a too full stomach, the pain of muscles pushed past endurance from exercise, or the pain of bruised and lacerated flesh, the dark ache is forced to the background. You have triumphed! You are strong!

You feel invincible as the shadow has been made small and been put in its place- all by you. It becomes addictive, that feeling of power. You begin to feel that if you can sustain the pain, the shadow will be forced to retreat forever. Like any drug, it begins to take more and more pain to win the battle.

You find yourself losing track. How long has it been since I last ate? How many sit-ups have I done? Where did the bag of chips go? People talk to you and you don't really hear them, so focused on your own internal battle. Everything starts to seem far away and like it's not really happening to you, but a character on TV.

It has tricked you and all you are doing is feeding it. Feeding, nurturing, encouraging it to grow. With each of your attempts to erase the darkness from your spirit, you are giving it the ultimate control. Each act of self-inflicted pain is fostering the next, weakening your spirit and allowing the darkness to fester. Your technique of starvation doesn't work any longer because you can't feel the pain, so you move to vomiting, thinking that it will bring back that sensation. The darkness laughs with glee at your foolishness.

Each hour, your body grows weaker, less able to sustain you. Your physical power is depleting along with the power of your spirit. Soon, you loose interest in the life you have been watching on your internal TV. The world is loosing color and you begin to ignore it. The battle inside has become wholly consuming and nothing else exists. You feel sure that the next time you will defeat it. Everything around you is the darkness, the pain, the hole in your heart has engulfed your whole being and you need to fill it.

Because of this, because of your knowledge of the battle, of the strength it requires, you stop listening to the weaker individuals around you. They have no idea and couldn't possibly understand what you are dealing with. For God's sake, they think you look fine! They have no idea that you are failing! You are losing the battle and nothing else matters.

How could they love someone as incompetent as you, let alone like you? You can't even manage to handle something as simple as this little hole. Your spirit has weakened. What's left? You are physically and spiritually weak, possibly dying, and you still have yet to achieve your goal. The belief that sustained you, the belief that you could create enough pain to banish the shadows and bring about perfection, is fading. Yet, you continue to hang on to it. You need to get to that place of perfection, that place where you can stop fighting and rest. There is where you will be whole again and you will finally be worthy of love, worthy of the admiration and respect you crave. You will wage the battle in silence, never letting anyone know, so the victory will be that much sweeter, the love and respect more worthwhile for the extra effort required to earn it.

Soon. Soon, you will be able to walk in the light, you keep telling yourself, but your resources are depleting quickly. You have become trapped. You can't escape. The light is so small now. You know that the end is coming.

Do you wait for it? Do you let go and die? Do you do the unthinkable and ask for help? Both options are unpalatable, as they require an admission of failure, the admission that you could not beat the darkness on your own. An admission of how weak you really are.

The first is the easier option. You let go and let the darkness wash you away. You never have to face the ones you have been fighting for. You never have to see their disappointment in you. It is the cowardly way. You have avoided your punishment for failure. It is the end, the ultimate surrender.

No, you face your loved ones, the ones you have tried to impress, and admit to them that you lost. This is the true test of your determination, to admit your weakness and ask for help. This is a true sacrifice. To face them, knowing that they won't understand or they may not care. The pain of opening yourself up is more painful than any bruise, cut, or overfull stomach. You have to face all that you fear. All that you have been fighting and more, you face the total destruction of your spirit, a total loss of who you are, the loss of the world as you know it.

And so begins, your first true battle with the darkness. Your first step toward the love and respect you have been fighting for, the first step toward owning the power and rebuilding your strength. You look around and the pinpoint of light seems just a little bit brighter - you have had your first success.

In giving in to your failure, you have managed to prove that you are not a failure.

Do you feel alone?

Yes.

Do you feel stripped and naked?

Yes.

Is everything going to fall into place and be easy?

No.

But I have bared my soul! I have admitted defeat and I have won a battle! Why does this not mean that all is well?

Now the real battle has begun.

Yes, you have managed the most difficult step - you have stepped away from the darkness. Now the darkness has to fight to get you back!

That demon inside is used to owning you and will not take kindly to the rebellion. Every moment of every day you will wage the battle to stay present in your body, to remember that you are loved, to take care of and nurture your spirit. You will fight to keep yourself from inflicting pain. You will fight to regain that precious ground you lost to the darkness. You will fight the impossible, never ending fight. You will care and it will hurt.

Why do it? Why not just give up?

Every day that you take care of yourself and every moment that you affirm how valuable you are, is a win. Each day you wake up and get out of bed is a victory for you. Each victory is another step on the path to achieving your goal - filling the hole in your heart. Each day is another day, where you can stand tall and say, "I am not alone."

Remember, you are not alone.

- - - - -

Three years ago, I discovered the something-fishy.org website. At first, I thought that the three words running at the bottom of every page was silly. By the time I had finished going through the site and had found numbers of people to call for treatment, I was crying. Thank you for reminding me that I was not alone.

Periodically, when I am feeling alone, I go back to your site. It is with this in mind, that I am forwarding you this essay. I wrote this as a reminder to myself and as a means of communicating what I have been experiencing to others.

Thanks, again. Jennifer Stevens


©2001 Jennifer Stevens. Reprinted with Permission.

back to Articles Index