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Below you will find the list of available chat transcripts. Some of the older chats have not been included yet, but will appear here in the future.

Fishing for Support Chat -- OCTOBER, 2002

[SFishy] we're about ready to get started everyone

[MrFishy] thinking capps on now!
[MrFishy] get comfy

[SFishy] Tonight we're going to talk a bit about halloween...
[SFishy] or actually, we're going to have a fun little costume party to celebrate
[SFishy] but we're not just celebrating pumpkin day


[SFishy] we're celebrating recovery

[MrFishy] YES!

[SFishy] Most of the questions tonight will be a little hard, but also great fun!
[SFishy] so lets get started...
[SFishy] Think about your recovery
[SFishy] and where you are right now...
[SFishy] if you were going to dress up in a costume that reflected how you feel, and where you are in recovery, what would you dress up as?
[SFishy] examples: a warrior (like you're fighting hard!) -- a mouse (because you're feeling small and quiet) -- etc.
[SFishy] also share WHY you choose to wear what you are wearing

[khodem] no mask and in dress clothes
[seagrass] A sea slug because I'm moving really slowly and not very gracefully
[Picasso] I would dress as a Picasso painting....chopped up and hurting.(sorry)
[casee] an oreo cookie - because I am stuck between ED recovery and the ED - and I've also been c/sing alot.
[khodem] donot dress for haloween
[tianna] Im just me this year....tired of hiding..behind something
[khodem] same here
[casique] an onion - there's so many layers to peel back working through recovery

[SFishy] so you'd be yourself -- great! there are no wrong answers everyone

[MrFishy] hit me with some more...i want MORE costumes!

[geneveive] i'm a little afraid to say...

[GoGo] I am an ice climber with those big spikey shoes... My drive being those shoes helping me in the cold struggle.
[bri] a paper bag because lately all i want to do is hide due to depression and anxiety
[Mickey] I think I'd have to be a chameleon...while I looked the same and stayed true to form, what I look like and act like changes from day to day
[khodem] a dancer or a flower girl
[seekinghelp] An earthworm stuck in the ground because I seem to be suffocating in an ED and cant get out
[juliaf] a tree because I am strong for the most part but some branches may be weak
[juliaf] and with time the branches will grow strong
[ChristinaMarieR] a broken heart, umm, well, cause i'm broken...I feel that my heart will never be whole
[khodem] time
[khodem] with time good things come
[tianna] it can be whole christina...in time...
[tianna] your not broken chris
[ChristinaMarieR] Thanks Holly
[tianna] i always wanted to be a butterfly
[tianna] so i could fly free

[MrFishy] GOOD Shares!

[SFishy] good answers everyone...
[SFishy] of course... halloween is one time of year that wearing a mask is okay... but wearing a mask all the time (the mask of ED) doesn't reveal who we are, or how we feel.
[SFishy] Now of course, our costumes are different... we are wearing them to reflect HOW we feel...
[SFishy] and we're all together at this Fishy halloween party...
[SFishy] so the first game we are going to play is bobbing for apples...
[SFishy] on each apple is a goal you want to attain... someplace you need/want to get to in your own recovery
[SFishy] it can be a very small goal or a big one... that depends on you...
[SFishy] tell us what apple you get...
[SFishy] and what your apple says...
[SFishy] and if you think it's a big apple or a small one...

[casee] Huge apple - getting over the weight gain hurdle - this apple is too big to get right now.
[khodem] staying with the light living within not with out
[juliaf] to learn that i don't have to please everyone all of the time and if they get mad that is not a refelction of me medium size apple (if that is allowed =P)
[GoGo] I get a big apple that says "I will feel comfortable asking for help if I need it?"
[ChristinaMarieR] My apple would be Freedom... It's a big apple... Freedom from my family, friends and Freedom from my ED!
[tianna] going back to my T in janary...and actually opening up to her....really big apple...
[seagrass] Abstinence. It's a big apple and I can't seem to get my mouth around it.
[hundredpercent] Granny Smith - sweet, yet tart - Sweet to be thin, tart to be suffering from this disease
[kermie] not living and feeling based on the scale
[Mickey] I would take a bite out of the HUGE pride apple by allowing myself permission to ask for help and support from others when I am struggling
[casique] control - to understand whether it's me or my ed that has the control right now
[fallingdown] letting people love me for me
[hbthl] being honest
[casee] big apple - not using food as a distraction
[Picasso] to use my voice and tell someone what i desperately need instead of just ignoring myself
[Mickey] just being able to enjoy the process of the game, living in and finding some enjoyment in the moment
[fallingdown] letting myself buy a bigger size of clothes-- hard for me
[casique] big apple - being able to say no to people and realising i don't have to be superhuman!
* GoGo thinks: Can I have more than one apple?
[tianna] i was just gonna ask that
[GoGo] LOL
[tianna] hehe

[MrFishy] "bob" all ya want
[SFishy] sure Gogo -- as many as you like!

[ChristinaMarieR] if we can have two then my next one would be LOVE, I want someone to love me for me... it's a big apple... *sighs*
[GoGo] Big apple -- learn to appreciate myself and have confidence that I am a good person and am capable of accomplishing many things.
[seagrass] My next apple is reaching out to others instead of isolating myself.
[kermie] christina-i love ya sweetie! and not just from the computer!
[juliaf] to be more pragmatic --big apple
[ChristinaMarieR] aww, Thanks Ally, I love you too... =)
[khodem] A big apple that says God is alway there even if I stray

[MrFishy] GOOD answers!

[SFishy] great answers everyone!
[SFishy] Remember, all of our goals ARE attainable, and there is no set time. One step and a time you can get there
[SFishy] Put your "apples" in a safe place so you'll remember them
[SFishy] :)
[SFishy] The next game we are going to play at our party...
[SFishy] is the Scarecrow game

[MrFishy] YIPPE!

[SFishy] What we do is make our own scarecrow
[SFishy] but the object of the game THIS time isn't to make it scary...
[SFishy] it won't be scary to other people...
[SFishy] it WILL be scarey to your ED!
[SFishy] it's a scare-ED
[SFishy] LOL
[SFishy] so... the object is to decorate your scarecrow so that it helps you conquer some of your fears about recovery...
[SFishy] it will help scare those fears away...
[SFishy] share what your fear are, and share how you would decorate your scarecrow to represent the strength you need to conquer your fears
[SFishy] (example: if I'm afriad of being vulnerable, I could decorate my scarecrow with an outfit that reminds me of someone I trust, or with the word TRUST on his t-shirt)

* ChristinaMarieR giggles, i was just gonna ask for an example, thanks
[juliaf] fear of total rejection and becoming lonely....put pictures of all those who love me on it to remind me of all of my support
[Mickey] One of my greatest fears is being rejected if "THEY" really knew me. So, my scare-ED crow would have it's arms outstretched in a hug of unconditional acceptance
[juliaf] ohh i like your idea better mickey ;)
[seagrass] i think you guys have my scarecrow.
[Mickey] thanks! :)
[tianna] me too lol
[khodem] fear of my guide letting me fly -walk on my on two feet
[hundredpercent] My Scarecrow - Seeking the right kind of help to put me on the road to recovery. My Scarecrow would be decorated with support from people who have experienced different treatments and can share their successes/failures
[fallingdown] fear of failing in everything and being a failure to everyone--- i'd put on a list of what i have accomplished
[Picasso] fear of being unsafe and unprotected. nothing to scare that off.
[kermie] kermiesafraid no one wil care about her if she isnt "sick:" with her ed...so her scarecrow would have all the positive things ppl say to me about how i do my job, and how i am as aperson that has npthing to with ed
[bri] fear of being abondoned. not to sure what i would do to scare that off
[juliaf] put things that make you feel safe on it picasso
[casique] fear of letting people down - my scarecrow would have helium balloons to help keep me afloat!
[Picasso] doesn't work, ed is still safety...need to learn new safe places
[Mickey] I'm afraid I'll lose my edge, my self, my sense of humor. So, my scarecrow would have a huge smile and have a laugh track tape running
[claradancer] I fear being alone, so mine would have to have something to represent some sort of a friend or companion
[MrFishy] picasso...this is a safe place to try...so...lets try making a scarecrow?
[beccabear] making a scarecrow?
[Mickey] claradancer...all our scarecrows could be together, so yours wouldn't be alone! :)
[tianna] afraid of being abandoned......maybe write all the things that make me loveable on it
* kermie kermie runs over and hugs christina for her awesome support

[SFishy] beccabear: we're making a scarecrow to help us conquer a fear you have about recovery :)

[claradancer] Mickey, I like that idea
[beccabear] oh ok ty
[Picasso] scarecrow: um....the backup of my therapist? so i guess i'd put her face on it. affirmations that say "i can protect myself"
[juliaf] me too mickey
[fallingdown] i'm afraid of hurting people and of people hurting me... perhaps i'd put on a shield to keep people away
[beccabear] i would need more than one scarecrow then though
[ChristinaMarieR] aww, yw ((((( Ally )))))

[SFishy] great picasso!
[MrFishy] picasso....good for you!
[SFishy] one fear at a time becca -- that's all we are concentrating on right now :)
[MrFishy] these are ALL awesome shares!

[seagrass] i think all our scarecrows should have arms long enough to wrap around and hug ourselves and someone else too.
[tianna] i agrree seagrass

* SFishy 's scarecrow hugs seagrass's scarecrow :)

[khodem] I fear therapist letting me go
[beccabear] mine would just have to be one that loves me i guess, loves me enough to knwo it is ok to get better
[GoGo] My Scarecrow - Stuffed with confidence scaring away fear of failure. Dressed in BOLD colors that say "I Accept Myself".
[fallingdown] :) can i borrow your scarecrow GoGo?
[GoGo] Please do!


* SFishy likes everyone's scarecrow
[SFishy] Prop them up in the corner, and keep them handy
[SFishy] after the chat you could even try drawing a picture of her/him or making one out of paper, thread, straw, whatever you like
[SFishy] The next game we're going to play is "Witches Brew"
[SFishy] this time...
[SFishy] we are all going to work together...
[SFishy] so each of you have to come up with at least one thing that is important to recovery...
[SFishy] a word that to YOU represents recovery/recoverED
[SFishy] and throw it into the brew!
[SFishy] duplicate ingredients are fine :)

[juliaf] support!!!!!
[ChristinaMarieR] love
[tianna] love

* MrFishy is a mixin...so keep tossing them in

[claradancer] honesty
[Mickey] freedom
[ChristinaMarieR] kindness
[tianna] self love
[bri] healthy
[seagrass] A copy of "The Little Engine that Could."
[ChristinaMarieR] understanding
[fallingdown] love for me
[juliaf] self-respect
[juliaf] boundries
[Picasso] voice
[claradancer] healthy coping alternatives
[kermie] freedom
[GoGo] Assertivness
[Jekyl_n_hyde] feelings
[Mickey] flexibility
[kermie] living
[casique] acceptance
[tianna] peace
[Mickey] laughter/joy

* MrFishy sets the pot to boil

[GoGo] Family
[fallingdown] happiness
[Jekyl_n_hyde] open arms
[Picasso] balance
[Picasso] dreams
[fallingdown] living
[juliaf] goal setting
[Mickey] hope
[Picasso] Is it done yet Mr Fishy????
[MrFishy] hehehehehe
[Mickey] believing in a future
[tianna] lol

* MrFishy gets out the BIG stirrer for the brew

[Picasso] self-nurturance, self-pampering
* fallingdown thinks: yummmm...
[casique] self-belief
[beccabear] acceptance of self and loving self, caring for self, understanding self
* juliaf hands mr fishy a mit because the pot must be getting hot by now
* claradancer thinks: anything warm or hot would be nice now
[seagrass] laughter

* MrFishy says keep the ingredients comming

[juliaf] hey sweetie how are ya
[tianna] determination
[juliaf] opps
[fallingdown] hope
[Picasso] can we have food in there?

[SFishy] great answers everyone!
* MrFishy passes the "power brew" to everyone!

[SFishy] That is SOME brew!

[MrFishy] SIP IT SLOWLY!!!!!

[SFishy] We've got our apple, our scarecrow and our brew...
[SFishy] so it's time to go to the haunted house!
[SFishy] Haunted houses can be pretty scary while we're going through them...
[SFishy] but we ALWAYS come out on the other side just fine

[MrFishy] UH huh!
[MrFishy] hmmm...thats true!

[SFishy] there are things in there we KNOW we'll be scared of, and then there are a lot of unknowns hidden in the shadows -- and those are the scariest
[SFishy] So now, with our apple, scarecrow and brew we're going to go through!

* MrFishy grabs everyones hand

[SFishy] Share how the haunted house is scary for you (the haunted house = the recovery process)...
[SFishy] Share what you can do when you are feeling scared....
[SFishy] AND end it with "I know I can make it through to the other side, no matter how long it takes"

[MrFishy] BOO

* ChristinaMarieR thinks: ekk, this one is hard

[seagrass] EDs are familar, recovery is scary. Sometimes when I'm scared I come here.

[MrFishy] BOO

[seagrass] MrFishy is the sound effects person, I take it.
[beccabear] i'm scared i don't love myself enough and that nobody else loves me enough to get better, to recover so i somehow have to find a way to learn to love myself enough i guess or something like that
[tianna] lol

* SFishy wacks MrFishy
[MrFishy] setting the mood!

[tianna] haha go Sfishy

[MrFishy] good share becca!

[khodem] scary part is trying not to replacing the gap with another negative

[shellbelle] i'm scared of change

[seagrass] AMEN, Shellbelle!
[fallingdown] i'm scared of being left alone in recovery... being stuck with no one to help and everyone has given up on me
[Dulcinea] it's scary to think that I percieve myself as being a better person when I was ill, for example, that I feel I was a better student, when I was in the depths of my illness, but in my moments of sanity I realize I am a much stronger person now that i've asked for help
[claradancer] recovery is scary because it means changing who I've been for some time now....what if I don't like the new me?
[juliaf] scared that something will send me running back now that i have came so far, but i can use the tools i have and look to loved ones for support but i know i can make it thru to the other side no matter how long it takes
[claradancer] not quite sure how I'd make that less scary either
[shellbelle] it' like giving up a part of myself
[Mickey] My ED is such a huge part of me, I don't know who/what I'll be when I get to the other side. But I know I can talk to my friends and journal about it, or find some way to reaffirm my self worth. I know I can make it through to the other side, no matter how long it takes.
[bri] scary part is losing something. brings up abondonment issues. this is something constant, that has been there, nad i can control it from never leaving. so letting it go is like losing something yet again
[seekinghelp] Just entering is scary, so I wait outside and peek in

[SFishy] (pst. don't forget to end with: i know i can make it thru to the other side no matter how long it takes)

[casee] Knowing the ED is erroding my cardiac muscle, but I still can't get into ED recovery all the way.
[shellbelle] i dont'know any other way to be
[Picasso] Recovery haunted house is standing up for my rights when all of my life i've said i didn't have a right to a better life. learning to stand up is hard. but with my therapist's help and guidance: I think i can.
[GoGo] Fear that I will not like what I am when I am recovered, afraid that I will be more unappy with the changes in my life. I have God and a wonderful hubby that love me no matter what!! I know I can make it through the other side no matter how long it takes!
[khodem] its nice to have a map but you know the way
[Dulcinea] i know i can make it though to the other side no matter how long it takes, but sometimes it just seems that the other side is so far away!
[Dulcinea] (sigh)
[shellbelle] what' on the other side?

[SFishy] maps are helpful khodem, but of course, all our maps would look different (there's actually a game like that on the forums right now)

[Picasso] a better life

[SFishy] shellbelle: RECOVERY!

[tianna] im scared the person im gonna see on the other side....scared to know whats exactly on that side
[Dulcinea] I meant the other side as being completely recovered
[shellbelle] what does recovery mean?
[tianna] but i can do it no matter how long it takes
[khodem] thanks
* beccabear thinks: but i don't know if i can love myself enough or if anyone else does or can to get to that point of being in recovery again
[fallingdown] i'm scared i will be the ugly person i fear when i get to the other side
[seagrass] No uglies in this process!
[seekinghelp] when you go through a haunted house, you come out the same person, you dont get uglier

[SFishy] shellbelle... you missed our recovery brew which had all the ingredients... things like love, self-love & acceptance, honesty, strength, freedom (etc.)

[Dulcinea] recovery, for me, is not having to deal with getting anxious every time I look in the mirror and not going psycho about food!
[seagrass] ((((fallingdown)))))
[Dulcinea] its liking me for me and not feeling I have to change a thing!
[fallingdown] ((((seagrass))))

[SFishy] seeking: that is a very good point!
[SFishy] going through a haunted house doesn't change you as a person... it is an experience that impacts your life (in small or large ways, depending on you)

[shellbelle] it all sounds good in theory but how do you get there?
[tianna] one step at a time shelli
[juliaf] time and hard work shellbelle

[MrFishy] the same way you walk acroos a floor shell...by taking steps of ANY size

[claradancer] I'm scared that in recover I'll lose any control that I have, but I know I'll make it thru to the other side

[SFishy] the last thing we'll do tonight at our party...
[SFishy] the way we're going to end it...
[SFishy] is we're going to take a hayride!
[SFishy] And while riding through the night, people who we need to communicate to are standing along the sides of the road...
[SFishy] as loud as you can...
[SFishy] YELL what you feel you need, and yell WHY you deserve to get the things you need!

[MrFishy] BOO

[tac] hello room
[tac] how is everyone
[beccabear] LOVE because i can't live without being loved
[tac] i want to be loved
[tianna] id scream i need to be loved
[shellbelle] HAPPINESS
[Dulcinea] I need a shoulder to cry on every once and a while, because I deserve to feel my feelings instead of repressing them.
[khodem] God becauxe I cannot live with out him
[seagrass] ACCEPTANCE! I have intrinsic value, simply because I am alive!
[shellbelle] something to look foward to
[tac] i'm jealous
[beccabear] somebody to care, to support, to help instead of people walking away!!!!!!!

[SFishy] as loud as you can...
[SFishy] YELL what you feel you need, and yell WHY you deserve to get the things you need!

[juliaf] I deserve to be respected and loved for who i am because I am me
[seekinghelp] i need someone to rescue me and help me get through this
[Picasso] (where's the little letters???) Let me feel safe for once in my life....i deserve to feel safe.
[tac] ditto, i need a rescue
[shellbelle] I need a friend
[claradancer] I need someone to not give up on me when I've given up on myself
[tac] i think i have friends
[khodem] I need a husband conpanion
[seagrass] Room to figure out who I am. I deserve to take up space!
[tac] how do you tell your friends you need them, when you are supposed to be the glue that holds everyone together?
[shellbelle] i need a sense of identity
[tianna] i need myself again....i deserve it b/c i just ..do
[fallingdown] i need a hug... a long one
[ChristinaMarieR] Ange' I will never give up on you honey... I'm here for you always!
[tac] i want to know who I am again,
[seagrass] encouragement. because i need to hear that I'm doing a good job.
[seagrass] acknowledgement that this is HARD WORK!
[shellbelle] to not feel alone anymore
[beccabear] i need to KNOW....just know that someone is out there and that someone CARES and someone LOVES me and someone SUPPORTS me because i can't go on without these things
[shellbelle] a light at the end

[SFishy] GREAT answers everyone!
[SFishy] pat yourselves on the back for a job well-done tongith!
[SFishy] and thank you all for coming to our little recovery halloween party!
[SFishy] You call get to take your apple, scarecrow and brew home... and of course, don't forget about the haunted house or our hayride!

[MrFishy] Awesome shares all!

[SFishy] We'll be posting a follow-up game on the Bulletin Board in the next few days, so be sure to check in!
[SFishy] Try to enjoy your halloween tomorrow if you are celebrating -- you CAN make it through!

[MrFishy] BE good to you ALL!

[SFishy] have a great night! and
[SFishy] Take care of YOU!

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