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Below you will find the list of available chat transcripts. Some of the older chats have not been included yet, but will appear here in the future.

Fishing for Support Chat -- JULY, 2003

[SFishy] okay everyone... we're about to get started...

[MrFishy] ok...ok....that was just parctice! ;)

[MrFishy] practice even! ;)

* SFishy reminds everyone... this is a moderated chat, so we'll prompt you when to join in and answer qusetions...

[SFishy] stay focused on your own recovery, where you are in the journey, and do your best!

[MrFishy] questions even......guess we all have sticky fins tonight!

[MrFishy] Trying is all we ask! :)

[SFishy] Tonight we're going to talk about the questions that are important to always be asking yourself during recovery...

[SFishy] MrFishy did a reply to a post earlier that got us both thinking (and yapping) about the topic...

[MrFishy] yups...were yappers!!!!!!

[SFishy] Self-Love and self-acceptance are the ultimate acts of self-care...

[SFishy] and during recovery, because you're still learning to self-love...

[SFishy] it's important to ask where your motivations come from

[SFishy] It's important to stay in the current moment...

[SFishy] but we sometimes also have to ask questions about where our past has led us

[SFishy] Think about when you were in highschool (or if you still are...)

[SFishy] and you did "current events" in a history class...

[SFishy] often the teacher would ask a series of questions

[MrFishy] ewwwwww.....school stuff! ICKY! ;)

[SFishy] who, what, when, where and why

[SFishy] we are going to use these questions tonight in regards to what led you to the path of an ED... and what can lead you out...

[SFishy] here is the first question... the WHO

[SFishy] who do you think were you negative role models as you grew up... who has taught you how NOT to cope well, either directly or indirectly

[SFishy] who do you think taught you how to distract yourself from your own feelings?
[Stevie] father
[Wxcat] My stepsister....
[camellia] parents
[SandyWice] mother
[pooh_bear_fan] ma and pa kettle
[piano] mother
[nycki] parents
[minimo] My Mom
[alexmc] father
[bink] mother
[taytay] MOM
[MistySueCat] Aunt, Mother and grandmother.
[afallenangel] my mother.. she also used food or lack of to to distract herself
[urbanfaerie] parents...distract distract, distract...anything but the issue.
[houstonbrit] mum
[slick] hmmm
[khodem] my dad, my grandmother,the neighbors
[harshreality] parents. the asian community
[BeckaBear] my father
[Amsters] i'm not sure i can focus on my parents...is it possible the who is me?

[MrFishy] ***Remember this isnt a blame game....often it happens unintentionally!
[houstonbrit] hi ace
[cjcarebear] family i suppose, maybe even myself :/
[Stevie] my stepmother did it unintentionally
[urbanfaerie] Totally...I picked this up on my own. Didn't have a model for an ED...it's just what I figured out would work for me. I hide.

[SFishy] amsters... the idea may have come from yourself originally, but someone directly or indirectly reinforced it...
[slick] mom, nanny

[MrFishy] urbaN....SOMEONE in your life taught you it was ok to hide...who?
[BeckaBear] i always felt as if i had too many feelings, i was too much for even me to deal with

[SFishy] example: maybe everytime you were sad, a relative said "don't cry... here, have something to eat, it will make you feel better"
[taytay] definitely unintentionally
[camellia] "friends", those I looked up to
[taytay] mom said "smile"
[piano] i was always told that I was overreacting to things
[taytay] if i was upset
[SandyWice] mom, aunt, dad--it was not ok to cry
[urbanfaerie] Fr. Fishy...My Mom....keep an even keel.
[urbanfaerie] Don't show people you are hurting, keep your dignity.
[taytay] yup

[SFishy] another example: for me it was my father... he was an alcoholic... so being around that taught me how NOT to cope with problems in healthy ways
[afallenangel] my parents saying I was too sensitive I needed to grow up

[MrFishy] she may not have meant it urban...thats why were not going to place blame ya know?
[Amsters] parents telling me i was oversensative and needed to control myself
[piano] my father is an alcoholic too
[minimo] My mom was more concerned about everything "appearing" perfect, we never solved any problems
[Amsters] ahh...
[cjcarebear] i never show people my true feelings and i suppose it seems that was taught only by myself..is that posible
[khodem] my dad was a miltary alcoholic
[harshreality] everyone told me I was not allowed to cry or show emotions outward. Keep it in.
[taytay] the image of perfection...
[taytay] yup

[MrFishy] cj.....its more than likely a learned behavior.
[Wxcat] we hid problems..if we didn't talk about them, they didn't exist...
[alexmc] my father was a "functioning" alcoholic and used pot for pain., illegally. he was a vietm=nam vet with ptsd

[MrFishy] cj...just dont look at it as blame.
[slick] for me I think watching the people around me who didn't seem to have any needs of their own, so i basically assumed I shouldn't have personal needs either
[SandyWice] yes, the image of perfection.
[MistySueCat] I was also told not to tell others what you were feeling they didn't want to hear about your problems they had their own.
[minimo] us too, Wxcat. That's exactly how I grew up

[SFishy] remember... we all all born with the ability to express our needs... we cry to be fed or changed or comforted... at some point, asking for what we need or coping with problems becames LEARNED processes
[taytay] its not okay to be human...you have to be superhuman
[piano] the needs thing is huge... the message I got was that you should be proud of yourself if you deny your needs
[SandyWice] so true!
[slick] ditto piano
[Amsters] you're super self-sufficient and not a hassle to anyone
[cjcarebear] i guess, my moms dad was an alchohalic, it runs in all of our family, (not my parents tho) and i think she picked it up from him, and maybe even passed those feelings to me

[MrFishy] look at these answers....they may apply to everyone here...you may see some parallels.

[SFishy] about 10 more seconds to explore this question everyone...

[MrFishy] cj....alcohol is just another way to "hide"....and you may have indirectly learned that it was ok....or that YOU could Hide also!
[Amsters] what about the good old faithful food as rewards for achievement?
[piano] ya, totally
[Amsters] is that another one, or just a reward technique
[Wxcat] or just good behavior...
[SandyWice] yeh

[SFishy] food as anything but fuel can send all kinds of unintentional confusing mixed messages

[SFishy] great sharing everyone...

[MrFishy] Good answers everyone.....

[MrFishy] I just want to make it clear....

[MrFishy] were not here to try and lay blame....

[MrFishy] that could be another chat ;)

[MrFishy] The point is to realize what MAY have been a "message" that was sent growing up...

[MrFishy] that lead you down a path....

[MrFishy] and part of being able to recover is realizing this lrearned thinking...

[MrFishy] and re-learning how to cope with it in a heal;thier manner!

[MrFishy] and to re-learn healthier thinking!

[SFishy] next question... the WHAT...

[SFishy] What EMOTIONS or STRESSFUL FEELINGS do you try to distract yourself from? What do you think you are attempting to cope with, or what are you NOT coping with?
[piano] shame
[houstonbrit] anger
[harshreality] anger.
[Wxcat] dealing with the possiblity of failure
[SandyWice] worthlessness

[Stevie] anger....fear...frustration
[afallenangel] anger guilt shame insecurity
[camellia] rejection, shame, vulnerability
[SandyWice] fear
[slick] demands, feeling inadequate
[taytay] fear
[houstonbrit] hurt
[bink] being lonely
[Amsters] amger
[taytay] insecurity
[swimm] sadness
[Amsters] anger that is
[Stevie] i have a huge thing with anger....
[taytay] hurt
[Wxcat] not being accepted for who I am
[camellia] fear of inadequacy
[alexmc] the need to be a perfect daughter, sister, wife, mother,,,perfection
[Anonymous_Member004] anger, fear, hoplessness, depression
[urbanfaerie] anger, dissapointment, failure...28 and having to start a whole new carreer.
[SandyWice] guilt
[ace] guilt, inadequacy, loneliness, failure, not good enough, disappointment

[MrFishy] btw....otice the parallels! :)
[piano] uncontrollable events
[camellia] fear of failure

[MrFishy] notice even!
[Amsters] feeling lost
[houstonbrit] people pleasing
[minimo] feeling inadequite, not perfect, not good enough
[camellia] imperfection
[SandyWice] imperfect
[Wxcat] standing on my own
[cjcarebear] anger, fear, unperfect, inadiquite
[taytay] responsibility
[piano] the trap of self-abasement
[Amsters] afraid of success
[SandyWice] shameful
[slick] age
[urbanfaerie] being grown up
[SandyWice] yes, having to grow up
[alexmc] yes being grown up[
[Stevie] being okay with myself and my needs...without hating myself for not giving to someone else instead
[MistySueCat] Any feeling of failure, anger, unperfect, sadness.
[cjcarebear] worthlessness
[harshreality] stupidity
[faithinHim] abandonment
[khodem] not feeling-today I was sad there was clear reason to be sad-so let it be ok to be sad not jumping to food or alcohol thoughts accepting and letting go
[harshreality] worthlessness.
[Amsters] desperation
[taytay] being "too much"
[camellia] fear of being a child, having needs, allowing needs
[harshreality] not fitting into the mold given to me.
[SandyWice] being "too little"
[slick] unsureness
[camellia] lonlieness
[houstonbrit] being different
[SandyWice] being controlled
[bink] abandonment,
[Anonymous_Member004] accepting that i need anybody
[harshreality] not being the "ideal asian daughter"
[ace] being needy
[slick] not being able to know what is right
[SandyWice] yes, being needy
[houstonbrit] disapointment
[camellia] needing attention
[afallenangel] feeling like a failure
[SandyWice] needing discipline
[cjcarebear] anxousness

[MrFishy] Good shares!!!!!!!!!!

[SFishy] great answers everyone... try to remember your answers to this one for later

[MrFishy] I know facing and speaking these issues can be hard.....

[MrFishy] but remeber.....

[MrFishy] your in a VERY safe environment right now.....

[MrFishy] and we are ALL holding each others hands to get thru....

[MrFishy] so allow yourself to feel these things a little right now.....

[MrFishy] steps are hard....but are SOOO worth it! ;)

[SFishy] next question... the WHEN...

[SFishy] When do you find yourself feeling the need to fall to negative coping methods the most? When do you find yourself feeling the need to distract in unhealthy ways? When do you feel triggered -- and think of LIFE events, not anything related to food or weight (since those ARE the distractions, not the triggers)
[Wxcat] in new situations or with new people I don't know....
[SandyWice] when I'm alone
[urbanfaerie] When change occurs!
[piano] rejection
[brynny] whenever I am in alone
[camellia] When I am vulnerable
[harshreality] when I"m surrounded by frriends and think I'm the dumbest one there.
[Wxcat] anywhere I might be seen as inadequate or less than the best
[SandyWice] When I'm stressed at work
[ace] when im overwhlemed or "trapped"
[alexmc] sometimes i feel out of control, and i need to be in control
[urbanfaerie] trying new things that I'm not good at.
[gnat] when i'm ashamed of my own irresponsibilities
[houstonbrit] when i feel insecure or not good enough
[piano] big time with the trapped, I agree
[Stevie] right before i new relationship that can really mean something to me and my life....
[pooh_bear_fan] boredom
[Amsters] when i'm in groups of people but feel incredibly alone
[camellia] feel that I have been rejected or abandonded
[taytay] whenever I feel different (for example, being wih my family)
[SandyWice] When I am watching TV or listening to radio
[khodem] when I am tired or discouraged
[Anonymous_Member004] my feelings of rejection, not worthy
[harshreality] when I"m at an Asian party, and I just feel so LARGE. too outgoing, too much
[afallenangel] when my husband and I fight and he starts to get abusive
[houstonbrit] feeling worthless
[Wxcat] when I'm paying bills...
[ace] yes, rejected!!!
[SandyWice] Yeh, When I'm tired
[camellia] when I feel invalidated
[minimo] when I fight with my husband
[MistySueCat] could you repeat the last question I got stuck on no being able to send words to the screen had to go out and come back in.
[brynny] when I am with my parents
[urbanfaerie] when money is tight.
[Wxcat] good one., camellia

[SFishy] repeat: When do you find yourself feeling the need to fall to negative coping methods the most? When do you find yourself feeling the need to distract in unhealthy ways? When do you feel triggered -- and think of LIFE events, not anything related to food or weight (since those ARE the distractions, not the triggers)
[alexmc] when I am left alone, it is a big trigger for me that is when i would binge as a child
[cjcarebear] stressed, tierd, when people are fighting
[Stevie] when i'm angry....or when i feel offended or insulted
[slick] when i start to fill better, i.e. less in control
[minimo] when I am around my parents for a long time
[ace] when I feel like I haven't accomplished anyuthing worthwhile in my life, is not good enough
[SandyWice] After I have talked with parents.
[pooh_bear_fan] me too alex
[houstonbrit] when i have to much time and no support
[MistySueCat] When I am stressed, or had somthing unexpected happen.
[taytay] when i make a mistake
[SandyWice] When I am alone
[Amsters] overwhelmed...by school, work, or things like that
[harshreality] stressed at school
[minimo] when I feel lonely
[brynny] when my plan for the day suddenly changes
[camellia] when I am scared
[taytay] or when i disappoint myself or someone else
[MistySueCat] Or am not doing as well in college as I think I should.
[camellia] When I hurt
[bink] all of the above
[SandyWice] When I feel fear
[afallenangel] when everything just becomes overwheleming and too much to take at once
[camellia] When I feel...
[gnat] when my son is pressuring me
[houstonbrit] yes definately disapoinnment
[Stevie] when i cheat myself of something because of fear
[SandyWice] When I am home from work
[Wxcat] when I'm around family
[SandyWice] When nobody is at home when I return
[cjcarebear] when i am alone and it is quiet
[ace] when my self talk is negative
[camellia] When I need to disconnect from myself to protect myself
[minimo] when I'm feeling insecure
[Amsters] there's probably more when i do than when i don't...though undeniably linked to big emotional messes
[SandyWice] When there is so much pain that it's easier to be numb
[Stevie] when i allow myself to be used or taken advantage of
[brynny] when I feel that I am not important to anyone else
[cjcarebear] when it is quiet i have time for that voice to REALLY yell at me
[houstonbrit] yes easier to numb out
[ace] when I need to "hide" to protect myself, from hurt, disppointment, failure...
[taytay] when i feel unworthy of love
[camellia] When there are big changes in my life
[camellia] when I feel rejected
[cjcarebear] dito taytay
[afallenangel] sometimes after therapy when we are talking about diffciult subjects I don't want to have to face
[brynny] when others are dissapointed in me
[Amsters] when it seems like things aren't changing
[minimo] yep, after therapy is tough
[piano] when I want to be taken care of
[SandyWice] Yes, when things are not changing

[MrFishy] 10 secs.....
[cjcarebear] same fallen angel
[Wxcat] when I dwell on some stupid thing I did or said
[SandyWice] When I'm impatient with myself
[ace] frustration!!
[MistySueCat] Or frustrated after somthing doesn't go my way.
[brynny] when I criticize myself
[gnat] when someone doesn't approve of me
[gnat] or criticizes something i did
[camellia] when I feel unworthy
[SandyWice] neg voices
[MistySueCat] approval thats another one.

[MrFishy] Good shares! ;)

[SFishy] thanks so much for sharing your answers everyone!

[SFishy] I know these questions are hard...

[MrFishy] You are ALL doing GREAT!!!!!!!!!

[SFishy] not just hard to answer, but hard to think about... but remember, that's part of the process!

[SFishy] next question... the WHERE...

[SFishy] Where (environment wise) does a lot of the need to distract/cope come about? For example... do you feel stressed more at work? at school? at home with family? Are you more emotional during social events? At parties? In business meetings, etc... ?
[Wxcat] at home alone....
[brynny] at home with my parents
[ace] HOME
[houstonbrit] during social events
[Stevie] right now at work
[taytay] definitely at home with my family
[SandyWice] At home, alone
[brynny] with friends from high school
[ace] and parties
[piano] school
[alexmc] home alone
[piano] home
[Wxcat] at work with new people....
[camellia] social events
[piano] with my partner
[SandyWice] whereever I'm ALONE
[afallenangel] at my parents house I am very ill at ease when I visit. bad memories play a large part of that
[gnat] definitely at home
[Amsters] when college is beginning
[camellia] especially new social settings
[minimo] at home, right after my husband goes to work at night
[cjcarebear] when i am with friends i feel inferior of
[Amsters] or when i'm returning home for breaks
[khodem] at home
[alexmc] when I go to parents house, because that is where the old habits started
[taytay] totally true afallenangel
[piano] when i am alone at night
[MistySueCat] Home when there is a lot going on or school in class. Sometime work.
[brynny] when watching TV late at night
[harshreality] at home, for sure
[cjcarebear] when i am alone in the quiet
[SandyWice] at work too, after I
[camellia] When I am unsure of myself (for example, in a social setting)
[SandyWice] am done
[harshreality] at school, cuz I always feel so stupid
[camellia] work
[camellia] with family
[houstonbrit] with family
[minimo] When I'm around my parents
[ace] at home when faced with a myriad of food choices, and no idea what to do!!
[taytay] new social situations
[SandyWice] Also at home when I'm eating.
[houstonbrit] for sure i always get triggered around my mother
[camellia] dance classes ~ feel inadequate in comparison to others
[houstonbrit] definately when im performing
[Wxcat] sorry my son is up....I'll follow up on the boards. Thanks Amy and Tony for doing this...sorry
[gnat] so long as i'm away at work or something i can stuff the feelings, but once i get home,it all comes flooding over me
[alexmc] work is really hard, I am a chef

[MrFishy] gnat...think about it...you "stuff" feelings? If thats what your doing at work...then thats not a healthy place either.
[houstonbrit] i can imagine
[harshreality] gosh, work SUCKS. I"m sick of stifling my feelings to make people happy
[harshreality] and pouring them damn coffee.
[MistySueCat] My job is boring I hope to find a new one soon.
[houstonbrit] but sometimes its easier to just make others happy
[camellia] lol harsh
[SandyWice] It seems like nowhere is safe.
[gnat] yeah.... at first i said it was at home, but i realized it's mostly places outside of home where the feelings start... home is just where the feelings start to come out

[MrFishy] harsh....that doesnt sound healthy either ;)
[harshreality] hehe...two more weeks before I quit

[MrFishy] :)
[taytay] yay harsh
[camellia] surprisingly, work isn't a big one for me anymore... hmmm
[camellia] here...
[MistySueCat] I'm looking plus my work can be triggering when I do respite because there is too much acces to things I don't need.
[afallenangel] work isn't really one but when i started I used it as an excuse to use the behaviors

[MrFishy] Good job everyone! :)

[MrFishy] With the where.....

[MrFishy] there can be what we will call "triggers" ANYWHERE....

[MrFishy] the goal sometimes is to find out what it may be....

[MrFishy] for example....

[MrFishy] if inadequacy is an issue...

[MrFishy] that may be "triggered" at home....

[MrFishy] at work...

[MrFishy] at school...

[MrFishy] almost anywhere....

[MrFishy] but....lets say you feel VERY confident as an artist....

[MrFishy] it MAY not be triggered in art class...

[MrFishy] or in an art studio.....

[MrFishy] so it helps to kinda put the two and two together at times ;)

[SFishy] next question... the WHY

[SFishy] Why do you feel the need to distract/cope in this way? In other words, why do you feel you can't cope in healthier ways... is it scary? frustrating? angering? Why don't you feel you deserve to cope in ways that don't hurt you?
[houstonbrit] im useless
[urbanfaerie] well, I used to think that if I didn't "measure up" I needed to be punished...not so anymore.
[camellia] it has worked in the past
[SandyWice] Because the negative voices tell me I don't deserve to be healthy if I'm not productive.
[brynny] I don't feel there are other ways that can produce the same safety net
[harshreality] i get caught in it. it's so fast I don't know what happens.
[afallenangel] it was taught and instilled in me
[taytay] when you cope it healthy ways..its often going against your learned and ingrained behaviors....so it takes more effort, more thought, more action
[camellia] to shut out the feelings, that is...
[pooh_bear_fan] its easier and quicker to turn to food
[Stevie] i still have trouble using healthy ways to cope with only CERTAIN feelings....it makes me feel safer
[gnat] because this is a quick fix
[ace] by now, healthy coping skills are some much HARDER than using the ED
[SandyWice] Because food doesn't talk back
[houstonbrit] its easier to cope this way than to use my voice
[camellia] its scary... it feels vulnerable
[afallenangel] to just hold everything in and not to show your hurt, etc.. stuff it
[brynny] food has a numbing affect
[MistySueCat] scary.
[Amsters] where can you learn the healthy ways?
[harshreality] because....well, no reason, actyually.
[gnat] yes, numbing
[Amsters] because you need something to replace the unhealthy with first
[camellia] its familiar
[alexmc] I thought originally that i was being controlled by my husband, but now i realize that I have a great need to BE controlled so I fell into that pattern. I need to learn to grow up and be in control of my own life
[gnat] because it FEELS good
[urbanfaerie] Definitely easier to turn to the "old ways"...thank GOD for my therapist who has helped me learn and practice healthy ways.
[taytay] healthy coping mechanisms also force you to confront, people, feelings, thoughts, etc.
[houstonbrit] i know it works
[SandyWice] I am more afraid of feelings than the unhealthy behavior.
[Stevie] it makes me feel like i've controlled my response and the emotion
[taytay] and confrontation is scary
[brynny] have used the comping too long and have trouble changing the thoughts to use something different
[afallenangel] is it ok to say what you did in the past if you are no longer doing this
[cjcarebear] easier, not as scarry
[harshreality] yes. agreed

[SFishy] yes afallen
[MistySueCat] I still just want to appear perfect, and be liked.
[ace] yes, I KNOW IT WORKS111
[harshreality] because it's just there....quicker than anything reachable mentally
[gnat] this was a way i was taught to comfort myself....sorta
[MistySueCat] Buts its getting easier.
[Stevie] it feels still automatic
[SandyWice] I hate myself so I hurt myself.
[Stevie] gnat me too
[brynny] I have tricked myself into thinking I get benefits from it
[gnat] yes, sometimes i do it to hurt myself to. like SI
[bink] its been the only friend i've known
[ace] agree Sandywice
[houstonbrit] if i have something that works why change

[MrFishy] bry......I like the way you put that! ;)
[afallenangel] it was numbing to use the bahvior it took away the pain
[camellia] It invalidates me and abuses me... and that is safe and familiar, and leads me to feel like I am taking control of my faults and becoming a better person (at least the myth of it does)
[afallenangel] but falsely
[MistySueCat] Yes it has taken away the pain but not really it always comes back.
[houstonbrit] like they say "if the shoe fits"
[Stevie] i guess i use it as a distraction too
[afallenangel] exactly Misty

[MrFishy] Remeber....if it worked as well as some feel it does....they wouldnt be hurting.
[houstonbrit] and it does
[khodem] habitat
[minimo] I just don't know how to cope with things in a healthy way anymore
[houstonbrit] but maybe the hurt feels better than the actual feelings i avoid
[minimo] anxious to learn, tho
[cjcarebear] i used to think it numbed the pain....but it seems that it made more..but it seems to be a comfort zone for me, why change now?
[camellia] change is scary
[harshreality] it doens't WORK. it just sucks
[ace] but change is very hard. very scary,,,,,,,
[SandyWice] It's just so much easier to be ed.
[MistySueCat] Right on Camellia.
[camellia] and being vulnerable is scary
[harshreality] but then, at least I can face my rpoblems.

[MrFishy] houston.....how would you know if you never allow yourself tyo FEEL the pain in the first place? No one ever died from feeling.

[SFishy] great sharing everyone...

[MrFishy] Good answers! ;)

[SFishy] we aren't going to ask the HOW just now... we all know the gorey "how's" of an ED...

[SFishy] so now I want to get into asking the same questions, but in the vein or moving forward from here

[SFishy] I ask everyone to practice "present-moment awareness" -- you know the answer to your questions above...

[SFishy] now we move forward...

[SFishy] so... first question... the WHO...

[SFishy] Who is around you now that can or does help you as a role model to take care of yourself in positive ways... WHO supports you... whether they've had an ED or not, WHO shows you how to live life healthfully, either directly or indirectly...
[minimo] Not one person
[houstonbrit] no one
[SandyWice] gosh, not many
[urbanfaerie] My therapist, my new friends...TAMI!
[camellia] my therapist
[Stevie] one of my supervisors.....new friends i've made
[harshreality] my therapist. my rockling asian girls.
[MistySueCat] My hubby and my therapist.

[MrFishy] no one is a cop out btw!
[harshreality] paige--the sweet boss
[taytay] fishy friends
[taytay] new school friends
[gnat] my friends in NA
[SandyWice] friend
[ace] husband, son, neighbor, T, N
[urbanfaerie] My Mom now...we set boundaries.
[bink] oddly enough, my ex boyfriend and the other fishies
[houstonbrit] boyfriends
[khodem] Jeannie my mentor and Marsha my sponsor
[cjcarebear] drawing a blank...
[taytay] some old friends
[camellia] fishy friends
[MistySueCat] fishy friends are great too:)
[taytay] MYSELF
[SandyWice] but what if no one knows about the ed?
[taytay] ;)
[minimo] no it's not! I honestly don't have one person around me who helps me make healthy decisions
[taytay] Heather
[urbanfaerie] Yeah...hey, now ME!
[harshreality] haha...my shcool's initials were "NA"
[camellia] if thats the case minimo, then that is a problem
[Stevie] a friend at work who i'm becoming close with....she never lets anyone push her around..she's vocal..self loving and just awesome
[minimo] I know

[SFishy] minimo... it can be ANYONE positive... someone on TV, or a teacher you like, or ANYONE who seems to live life to the fullest
[taytay] Oprah
[taytay] lool
[taytay] lol*
[alexmc] i have mixed feelings, my husband supports me now, but he has been obsessed with my weight in the past, and still does not fully understand it all
[urbanfaerie] Oprah and Dr. Phil!
[SandyWice] Yeh, Oprah
[Amsters] that's my question...what if people don't know?
[houstonbrit] my best friend
[minimo] again, not one person. honestly

[MrFishy] mini....i dont think your really looking then.....cause there are MANY positive role models around you...I PROMISE!
[houstonbrit] yeah for dr. phil
[urbanfaerie] I want to be like my birds....and sometimes am...they LOVE their chow.
[cjcarebear] yah, what if people dont know?
[houstonbrit] calista flockhart looks more healthy no wnad happier
[alexmc] Jamie lee curtis
[urbanfaerie] and they don't care that they are tubby little birds

[SFishy] there's a whole post on the boards about being like your cat!
[alexmc] more magazine
[Stevie] this is hard...i think i need to seek out healthier relationships
[houstonbrit] queen latifah
[brynny] Lance Armstrong
[minimo] both parents drink, so does my husband, I don't have a single friend,my whole family eats too much, except me
[taytay] lol pets are so COOL!
[houstonbrit] yeah my dog
[harshreality] my mother!
[camellia] minimo, what about healthy role models here, in the bowl, on the boards?
[houstonbrit] yes oddly enough my mother
[alexmc] my mother is the most stable person in my life
[cjcarebear] my dog, she is always happy, and doesnt care what people think of her :)
[Amsters] or a therapist, if you're working with one?
[houstonbrit] yeah and my dog never complains
[camellia] a few teachers I have had
[cjcarebear] my mom
[camellia] a few friends I have
[minimo] you're right, camellia! there's lots of fishies I find inspiring
[alexmc] my friends are always there for me, even if they do not know about the ed, it does not define me
[urbanfaerie] My dog complains...that he's not scritched enough, spoiled enough, or that he wants OUT at 3 a.m.
[houstonbrit] my new boyf
[cjcarebear] pets never critisize you, or make you feel inferior
[houstonbrit] yep and they never talk back
[urbanfaerie] Though pets also let their needs be known...or they crap on your floor

[MrFishy] mini...like camilia pointed out....you could findATLEAST one on the board!!!! Like I said....seek and you shall find! ;)

[SFishy] repeat: Who is around you now that can or does help you as a role model to take care of yourself in positive ways... WHO supports you... whether they've had an ED or not, WHO shows you how to live life healthfully, either directly or indirectly... (30 seconds everyone)
[houstonbrit] and most of the time wag there tail when you smile at them
[camellia] ok, thats a start.... can you think of anyone else.... people in rt that aren't family?
[minimo] Thanks
[Stevie] is that a hint :)
[cjcarebear] my teacher who had am ED, shows me people CAN recover and live a life helping people learn
[taytay] MrFishy and SFishy!!!!
[taytay] ;)
[SandyWice] I'm going to cry.

[MrFishy] hehehehehehe

[SFishy] thanks taytay :)
[alexmc] my therapist
[taytay] :)
[urbanfaerie] Can we clone your husband Amy??
[taytay] lol
[camellia] haha
[SandyWice] lol
[cjcarebear] hehe :)
[taytay] that would be cool!
[SandyWice] yes
[taytay] ;)

[MrFishy] One is TOOOO many of me believe me!
[taytay] lol

[MrFishy] Good answers! :)

[SFishy] great answers everyone... you can keep thinking about this one too...

[SFishy] and if you feel you need MORE positive role models around you, go out and find them!

[MrFishy] Remeber....positive HEALTHY role models ARE out there.....and can come from strange places sometimes! :)

[SFishy] next question... the WHAT

[SFishy] What exactly do you feel you can gain from not distracting yourself? What emotions would be healthy to feel and not avoid? What benefit is there to coping with emotions/stress/feelings in healthy ways? Remember, even "hard" emotions are positive...
[Stevie] being empowered
[ace] self-respect and esteem
[camellia] being able to trust relationships, and be emotionally close with others
[cjcarebear] to be loved
[camellia] self-acceptance
[harshreality] becing about to belive in myself
[houstonbrit] being able to be social
[Stevie] learning to deal with others and thoughts and issues taht affect me in a healthy way
[alexmc] feeling like an adult, in control of my actions and life,
[taytay] self acceptance and even self love
[harshreality] and treat me healthily
[Amsters] realizing I'm human...and other people are too
[houstonbrit] being confident
[SandyWice] anger, fear, guilt, sadness, happiness, pride, security, and grateful.
[urbanfaerie] anger, if directed in the right place and not myself.
[brynny] I could actually feel the rejection from someone
[camellia] imperfection
[houstonbrit] being able to find my voice
[SandyWice] Fear is so big.
[houstonbrit] finding myself and nit my ed
[brynny] pride in myself
[Stevie] i learnt how powerful it felt to just "let go" of things
[urbanfaerie] knowing my physical/mental limits and being OK with them...or working on being ok in them.
[camellia] perhaps learning that I *am* ok as me
[taytay] integrity and self worth
[harshreality] not being hurt so much
[harshreality] or feeling so disgusting
[khodem] if you let yourself fell the emotion it will pass on it on-then you've deal with it emotional- it makes it easier in the long run
[camellia] living
[houstonbrit] not caring what others think of me
[urbanfaerie] Yeah...pride in achievements...and not even "big" achievements...not needing external validation
[bink] lonelyness but felt as peace with myself
[camellia] not just existing
[taytay] realy feeling the broad spectrum of emotions and being accepting of it
[camellia] yes, not needing external validation or approval
[SandyWice] feeling of growth as I learn healthy ways to cope.
[urbanfaerie] Yeah, can't have joy, if you don't deal with the other emotions.
[MistySueCat] self esteem.
[taytay] trust in myself
[khodem] sorry to many misspelling
[houstonbrit] strength in my own achievments
[brynny] actually being able to enjoy something with friends
[alexmc] living my life without the dependency
[MistySueCat] Being able to trust others. Not thinking I have to be Ms perfect all the time.
[camellia] true strength
[Stevie] being able to be angry....feeling it and letting others know in a positive way....i want that and do not know how to do that...
[cjcarebear] trust
[houstonbrit] achieving all my dreams and regaining my life back
[urbanfaerie] being able to ask for help
[alexmc] not having to please peo[ple all the time
[brynny] love
[MistySueCat] dealing with stress in a more healthy way like finding alternatives.
[SandyWice] Knowing that I'll be stronger in the end if I go with healthy coping skills.
[camellia] being able to be vulnerable and be ok
[khodem] there is sometime about truely feeling-what is it??
[taytay] yup being vulnerable but not being "weak"
[houstonbrit] being able to relax and sit down
[MistySueCat] Knowing being healthy and felling is OK]
[camellia] yes tami
[minimo] just accepting me for who I am, feeling OK with myself
[taytay] :)
[houstonbrit] rather than running aroung like a chicken with their head cut off
[SandyWice] Feelings are our friend.
[houstonbrit] standing up for what i believe in
[taytay] knowing that I am ALLOWED to have certain feelings, (even the "bad" ones)
[Stevie] frustration would be a good emotion to feel and work through....right now to get me back on track and shake it off and let go
[SandyWice] knowing my purpose
[alexmc] focusing on how i am really feeling, and not a mess like everything is wrong
[camellia] healing
[Stevie] it would be good to feel.....and not quiet myself instead
[houstonbrit] yes healing

[MrFishy] Great job!!!!!!!

[SFishy] great answers everyone!

[SFishy] emotions and feelings are ALL important so we can feel, heal and move forward...

[SFishy] next question... the WHEN...

[SFishy] When do you want to feel confident? When do you feel strongest (like when you paint? play an instrument? have a good debate? read a book? etc). You are in the present during every situation... the WHEN is now... how can this help you coping with tough emotions next time the need arrises?
[camellia] when I am alone
[SandyWice] when I'm with the sick people at work and I help them.
[houstonbrit] wheni dance
[MistySueCat] When I get a good review at work or a good grade at college.
[urbanfaerie] when I am talking with kids
[Stevie] when i'm at work and need to be firm
[alexmc] when I cook
[MistySueCat] When I swim.
[brynny] I want to feel confident when with my friends
[harshreality] when I"m volunteering
[SandyWice] yeh, when I swim too
[houstonbrit] wheni am matching my outfits
[alexmc] when i am with my children
[harshreality] and with certain friends
[harshreality] or after I aced a test.
[houstonbrit] when my clothews are fashionable
[SandyWice] When I cook for my husband, I feel real good.
[urbanfaerie] when I am in the fishbowl. :) I feel good then.
[MistySueCat] I would like to feel more confident in Social relationships too.
[taytay] when I have discussions with people I see as intelligent
[bink] when meeting new people
[harshreality] or if I've made a good step in recovery.
[harshreality] having good convos with people who tell me sweet things.
[houstonbrit] when boys are attracted to me
[alexmc] when i am decorating a room
[camellia] when I am in a classroom... at least most of the time
[houstonbrit] when i have made my folks happy
[brynny] when I am honest to people about what I actually think and feel
[urbanfaerie] when I am making art
[camellia] when I am in the darkroom
[minimo] when I'm with my kids, and when I'm in the bowl
[houstonbrit] when i make a good grade
[brynny] when I am cycling
[camellia] when I invite people to my home
[Stevie] i'd like to feel very confident when i'm being insulted
[taytay] when I am complimented :)
[urbanfaerie] when I cook and then EAT with others.
[Amsters] when i'm myself...not making up answers or trying to say what i want people to hear
[houstonbrit] yes when i am complimented
[taytay] when I KNOW I am right and I let everyone else KNOW too LOL
[camellia] I'd like to feel confident and OK anytime I am with others
[urbanfaerie] when I am NUTS with my housemate and being LOUD.
[houstonbrit] when i was on the court
[alexmc] when i am writing a college paper for school
[camellia] lol heather
[MistySueCat] I love compliments but I use to say no you dont' really mean that.
[cjcarebear] yah
[taytay] when I am seen as "rebellious" because I say what I want to say to whoever is there to hear it
[taytay] LOL
[minimo] when I'm driving, in my car by myself, with the radio up as loud as I can stand it
[camellia] I'd like to feel confident when I am vulnerable, hurting, and feeling
[houstonbrit] when my fav song is on
[camellia] yes, I agree minimo... and theres a good song on!
[minimo] that's probably when I am most in the moment, and not thinking of my ED
[houstonbrit] when i have had a couple of drinks isnt that terrible
[khodem] when all the bills are paid
[camellia] thats because your guard is down houston
[MistySueCat] When I listen to good recovery oriented music or christian music
[minimo] not good, houston
[houstonbrit] yes i finally feel ed free
[houstonbrit] like nothing can hurt
[alexmc] when i am boogie boarding at the beach
[harshreality] talking with good friends over coffee and chocolate
[MistySueCat] and when I sign (Speak in american Sign Language)
[MistySueCat] I would rather sign then talk.

[SFishy] good job everyone!

[SFishy] two more...

[SFishy] next one is the WHERE...

[SFishy] We all have to go to the "where's" in life that aren't our favorite places to be. What real or imaginery place do you love to think about or go to? Where can you go to be alone and decompress/journal/take care of YOU? When you are in one of your trigger environments (work, school, alone, social situations) where can your mind be to feel more at ease? Where can you go before or after to feel good and prepare yourself?
[harshreality] the creek down by my house
[harshreality] my car! the break room
[SandyWice] I would love to be at the coffeshop.
[houstonbrit] i can go to my room to go scrapbooking
[camellia] that is hard.... I can't even let myself be vulnerable and feel when I am alone with ME....
[urbanfaerie] Zen Zoo tea house, or the Lorikeets at the San Diego Zoo....or my CAR...if I absolutely have to do it quickly
[MistySueCat] The beach.
[crazyblueberry] i get triggered at home alone when i'm bored
[slick] the beach in san diego
[urbanfaerie] That or my birdies at home...never alone with them. That is nice.

[SFishy] crazyblue -- so then where can you go when you're feeling triggered?
[minimo] in the car
[SandyWice] library is another place.
[alexmc] beach in jax
[khodem] the beach, into myself in mediation on the tampoline, in the forest
[SandyWice] the mall?
[Amsters] at the top of the mountain at a retreat center I love...
[camellia] slowly, with my therapist.... very slowly....

* SFishy loves the beach... the toystore... the movies... the bookstore... the library...
[slick] my closet
[alexmc] actually, i don't think i have a place.
[MistySueCat] To be alone outside under a tree or in a study room at college.
[houstonbrit] ross dress for less lol
[crazyblueberry] i dunno, i dont always have transportation
[cjcarebear] when i am with a friend i dont feel the need to compete with
[Amsters] though most of the time have to go in my mind and not physically
[MistySueCat] Retreat centers I love them too.
[ace] meditation....if i catch it early enough.....thats the prob
[SandyWice] church maybe
[taytay] my parents house is so triggering
[minimo] coloring with my son
[taytay] so I usually stay in my old room and play with my dogs

[SFishy] good one minimo! coloring rules
[minimo] it's the best!
[ace] my bedrrom, alone, lying face down on the floor!!!
[MistySueCat] I like coloring.

[SFishy] playing with legos is great too
[slick] yeah
[cjcarebear] I LOVE COLORING!
[MistySueCat] and trying to be an artist LOL!
[urbanfaerie] I like shrinky dinks. :)
[minimo] yup, I know
[houstonbrit] doing jigsaw puzzles

[MrFishy] and remember...its ALWAYS cooler when ya color OUTSIDE the lines! hehehehehehe
[taytay] thats so fun!
[cjcarebear] i love coloring care bears (haha my name is CAREBEARS)
[slick] my balcony
[taytay] lol
[minimo] having little ones lets me do so much fun stuff
[ace] crotcheting....no, that just makes me think!!
[urbanfaerie] I still color and do kid stuff. ;)
[urbanfaerie] and I have no kids!

[SFishy] minimo! your little ones are your role models!
[minimo] lol
[MistySueCat] I like the precious moment color books there my favorite I did that a lot when I lived in the dorm.
[minimo] yes!!!! They are!!!
[camellia] there is no where I feel completely safe, because I don't feel safe with me...
[cjcarebear] i always look forward to babysitting cause i can act like i am 2!
[slick] volunteering at the hospital
[minimo] they are always in the moment, living life to the fullest
[minimo] I could learn a few things from my kids
[houstonbrit] watching paradise hotel
[camellia] thats a few more healthy role models in your life, minimo
[Amsters] camellia...are you exploring why? (i don't mean you have to answer here, but it might be a start)
[minimo] I agree!
[cjcarebear] watching movies....ur so caught up in the story, you cant think about anything else
[crazyblueberry] that's such a good idea, coloring in a coloring book
[camellia] yes... i know why... can't seem to change it tho....
[MistySueCat] I have a list of things I try to do.
[crazyblueberry] name some
[Amsters] i try breaking things into small steps...as much as possible
[houstonbrit] cooking
[cjcarebear] i have a list i made with my T

[MrFishy] AWESOME!!!!

[SFishy] great answers everyone... find your WHERE -- we all need to have a special place for OURSELVES...

[SFishy] a place to decompress and process our feelings

[SFishy] the last question for tonight is the WHY...

[SFishy] WHY do you deserve to learn to cope in healthier ways? WHY CAN you cope in healthier ways? Why will you try not to distract yourself with ED behaviors? WHY are you a good person, just like the personally sitting virtually next to you tonight?
[urbanfaerie] Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me!
[harshreality] cuz if everyone else in the world is worthy and okay, why NOT me?
[urbanfaerie] sorry...had to.
[MistySueCat] To be healthy and for those we love and are around.
[harshreality] cuz that would give us the chance to follow our dreams, and LIVE!
[crazyblueberry] to be happy
[ace] because there is a reason I'm here on this earth, and I need to find out why!!
[houstonbrit] because i deserve it and if i dont my life will be miserable regardless
[houstonbrit] true ace
[camellia] because I am me
[cjcarebear] because i deserve a life of happiness if i think everyone else does, no matter what they do
[MistySueCat] I can cope healthy because I am smart and I do care about me.
[Amsters] this is where my resources start falling...the side of me in therapy keeps hearing that i deserve it...
[Amsters] but the honest me doesn't feel it yet
[minimo] because I deserve happiness, just like everyone else does
[ace] to find myself, knwo who I am, what I dream, what I like, what I want
[houstonbrit] because i have so much to offer
[urbanfaerie] My T explained it this way, "You have nice friends, who wouldn't like you if you weren't as good as them...so you must deserve the good things you think they deserve."
[urbanfaerie] she rocks...and it worked.
[minimo] there is only one me, and I am special, regardless of what I weigh
[cjcarebear] because i dont want to live a life of pain and suffering, of hating and fear, i want to be able to feel, and most of all feel happiness and self love
[khodem] Because I truely desire to live and be heathy. To see grandchildren one day. Because throwing up, over eating or not eating is sick. I do not want to be sick

* SFishy says: a good affirmation for everyone to write down and hang on their wall -- CARE FOR YOUR BODY... self-love and self-acceptance are the ultimate acts of self-care
[houstonbrit] because my body doesnt depict who i am as a person
[MistySueCat] I will distract myself from eating disorder behaviors because my I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
[minimo] that's a hard one, SFishy...I'm trying, tho
[khodem] you only get one
[camellia] that is a good affirmation
[ace] im trying to focus on my MIND right now.....is that bad?

[SFishy] you can keep answering everyone...
[khodem] remember you can do with it what you want but it is the only one you get

[SFishy] we WILL have a follow-up game on the bulletin board in the next couple of days... so make sure to check into the FISHING FOR SUPPORT forum
[houstonbrit] because if someone doesnt like me for the way i look then screw them

* SFishy thanks everyone for coming tonight, and for trying their best!
[taytay] thank you :)
[minimo] thanks!!!

[SFishy] you all deserve recovery, and you ALL will get to recoverED!
[urbanfaerie] Thanks Amy and Tony!
[alexmc] thanks so much
[ace] thanks amy and tony

[SFishy] tell yourself every day "I have faith in me" even if you don't believe it yet
[houstonbrit] thank you
[minimo] I will
[cjcarebear] thank you so much! i thought alot!
[khodem] Thank for SFishy and MRFishy
[Amsters] merci beaucoup
[harshreality] thank you :)

[MrFishy] :)
[Amsters] :-P
[minimo] :)
[crazyblueberry] i think that's the hardest thing, to find faith in myself

[SFishy] we'll see you all next month... Wednesday, August 27th at 10pm ET (7pm PT)
[cjcarebear] my favorite saying is i try not to think,,,i think i will change it :)
[minimo] bye!

[SFishy] have a great night everyone...

[SFishy] take care of YOU!

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