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Below you will find the list of available chat transcripts. Some of the older chats have not been included yet, but will appear here in the future.

Fishing for Support Chat -- JULY, 2001

[SFishy] we're gonna get started everyone
[SFishy] Of course... we'll just run over the rules quickly...
[SFishy] remember... none of your answers to any questions we ask can have anything to do with getting sicker, or perpetuating your ED behaviors

[MrFishy] no no

[SFishy] the goal of this chat is to help you take steps (even small ones) towards recovery
[SFishy] all of the typical rules apply as well -- no numbers, no tips, etc...
[SFishy] so...
[SFishy] tonight...

[MrFishy] drum roll

[SFishy] we are going to talk about peer relationships... friendships
[SFishy] and how these peer relationships can be both productive or unproductive
[SFishy] healthy or unhealthy
[SFishy] First... lets talk about healthy vs. unhealthy

[MrFishy] unhealthy relatiosnhips are
[MrFishy] one sided
[MrFishy] hurtful
[MrFishy] dishonest
[MrFishy] competetive
[MrFishy] abusive (emotionally or physically)
[MrFishy] judgemental
[MrFishy] unreliable
[MrFishy] and
[MrFishy] inconsistent

[SFishy] these can be very blatent or subtle... but either is just as unhealthy or unproductive

[MrFishy] healthy relationships are
[MrFishy] giving
[MrFishy] nurturing
[MrFishy] caring
[MrFishy] honest
[MrFishy] responsible
[MrFishy] dependable
[MrFishy] and
[MrFishy] consistent

[SFishy] and again... these traits can be shown in the subtlest of ways, or the most obvious of ways
[SFishy] Everyone has needs that must be met...
[SFishy] in order to sustain a true friendship... and one that is healthy
[SFishy] There are healthy and unhealthy ways to get these needs met...

[MrFishy] WHat are the needs you feel have to be met in your peer relationships?

[KShine] support
[Bluestarr] support
[KShine] understanding
[crevee] understanding
[Scam] honesty....
[KShine] honesty
[Bluestarr] love
[KShine] love
[Bluestarr] honesty
[crevee] honesty
[vmac] honesty
[KShine] trust
[crevee] laughter
[Scam] understanding
[Teqkyla] common curtesy
[vmac] caring
[KShine] two sided
[Bluestarr] caringness
[innervoice] help
[bat] there for you when things are both good and bad
[Scam] common beliefs
[KShine] giving and taking
[hoopy] comfort
[vmac] unconditional love
[juliaf] i like kshines two sided answer
[Scam] good one vmac
[Bluestarr] fairness
[KShine] lol
[KShine] authentic
[innervoice] forgiving
[KShine] realistic
[Bluestarr] trustworthy
[crevee] warmth
[Bluestarr] comforting
[KShine] constructive critiscism
[bat] listening
[Bluestarr] like a family
[KShine] affection
[crevee] yes bat! listening
[Scam] knows when to push and knows when to give things a rest
[Picasso] a person i feel comfortable being with'
[KShine] loyalty
[hoopy] being able to be yourself
[bat] can truly be yourself around

[SFishy] great answers everyone!

[MrFishy] Good answers.....ALOT of VALID needs

[SFishy] we are going to explore some of these needs in more detail...
[SFishy] so lets start with support... quite a few of you said you'd like support from your friends
[SFishy] and there are unhealthy ways to ask for support... unhealthy ways to give support...
[SFishy] that can be important to identify...
[SFishy] for example...
[SFishy] if you are feeling extremely depressed... acting distant or bitter, while thinking "they should have called me" (expecting them to be a mind reader) would be terribly unhealthy
[SFishy] not productive to YOU... or to the friendhsip

[MrFishy] WHAT are some healthy ways to get the need of support met?

[Scam] call and ask for help
[Bluestarr] callthem
[KShine] expressing your feelings
[Bluestarr] write them
[crevee] let them know what is on your mind
[Bluestarr] let them know how you feel
[pooklg] write a note- and be sure to sign it
[bat] not only focusing on yourself but looking at friends needs
[KShine] communicate your needs
[crevee] Yes, consideration for others
[bat] keep in touch not just when needing support
[juliaf] search for someone who will listen and be non judgemental
[Bluestarr] give and take
[KShine] set limits
[crevee] be honest
[KShine] boundaries
[Teqkyla] don't live with them
[vmac] ask for help and then be there for them
[bat] equality
[crevee] reach out to others who can understand where you are
[clue] being cautious so you don't get hurt

[MrFishy] THE most important way to get YOUR needs for support met

[SFishy] good answers all...

[MrFishy] is to HONESTLY communicate thet need....
[MrFishy] sometimes...
[MrFishy] just...
[MrFishy] can work.

[SFishy] expressing what you are actually feeling... and asking your friend to LISTEN
[SFishy] the next need we'll address...
[SFishy] is LOVE...
[SFishy] and we're going to call it LOVE and/or ATTENTION
[SFishy] we ALL need positive attention from those that care about us...
[SFishy] and there is NOTHING wrong with needing that attention...
[SFishy] but sometimes we get sidetracked... thinking that our friends will love us more... or notice our needs more...
[SFishy] when we wear them like a badge...
[SFishy] ie., acting out in anger... acting on ED behaviors ("I'll show them")... thinking we'll be loved more if we're sick
[SFishy] What are some HEALTHY ways to ask for love and attention from those you are in relationsihps with?

[Bluestarr] love ourselves
[KShine] ask for time together
[Scam] hard one
[Bluestarr] respect ourselves
[KShine] just to listen
[KShine] a hug
[Bluestarr] awarness
[crevee] again, honesty
[vmac] be willing t share time
[ChristineCC] Spend time together and talk.
[Bluestarr] give and take
[halfpint] don't hide anything
[Bluestarr] give love
[KShine] asking will you please
[crevee] be open and be sure to give some love back
[juliaf] ask them to accept you for who you are and not run everytime a relationship is close to being built
[KShine] respect of your opinions
[halfpint] we need to keep an open mind too

[MrFishy] good answers!

[SFishy] great answers!
[SFishy] asking for love and attention isn't always easy... but sometimes simplicity is the key...
[SFishy] saying "I'd like to spend time together" or "I'm feeling like you don't care as much lately" or "how about we get together and just focus on each other for the day"

[MrFishy] tuff.....but productive and healthy!

[SFishy] communication is a skill that takes practice, but is KEY to healthy relationships!
[SFishy] Another need we'll talk about is LISTENING
[SFishy] temper tantrums are not good ways to be listened to...
[SFishy] falling into ED patterns and behaviors don't actually COMMUNICATE anything to our loved-ones around us --
[SFishy] it's actually a double-edged sword... we don't WANT them to focus on weight and food...
[SFishy] but then WE focus on weight and food to try to show them
[SFishy] how much we need to be validated... to be listened to and acknowledged
[SFishy] so...
[SFishy] how could you productively get your need to be LISTENED TO met from those that you care about?

[KShine] say I just need you to listen to me
[KShine] express you just want to be heard
[Bluestarr] ask for some time together to just talk and have them listen
[crevee] Ask, "Do you have some time to talk?"
[pooklg] tantrums are out??????????
[KShine] explain you dont need to be rescued just listened to
[KShine] say I need to talk do you have time to listen
[Bluestarr] let them know you just need a shoulder
[KShine] would you please just listen
[KShine] is this a good time
[pooklg] or, i really need you to hear me
[bean] don't want you to fix it, just listen
[KShine] ask when would be a good time
[pooklg] or, are you listening to my words works in my class
[vmac] say i need some time for you to just listen to me
[juliaf] find the courage somehow to verbalize asking for help
[Bluestarr] set aside some time
[crevee] I like that, bean - You don't need to fix it, just lend me an ear.
[crevee] Limit yourself to the amount of venting you will do...
[crevee] too much is not good.
[pooklg] write it out first- main ideas in case you get stuck or freeze
[crevee] yeah.
[juliaf] maybe find someone you trust first so it will be easier and take less courage
[vmac] i am important enough to get my thoughts across

[SFishy] very cool answers everyone

[MrFishy] awesome share!!!!!!!!!!!!
[MrFishy] i know... i know...
[MrFishy] some of these thins sound scary....
[MrFishy] and it tends to put you feeling like your out on a limb at times...
[MrFishy] but remeber...
[MrFishy] the goal is HEALTHY relationships....
[MrFishy] and NOT being out on a limb at times puts us in UNHEALTHY places....

[SFishy] feeling vulnerable is a scary thing...
[SFishy] but in order to have healthy and productive friendships...
[SFishy] REAL friendships that can last a lifetime...
[SFishy] you have to risk feeling hurt...
[SFishy] there's nothing wrong with taking it slow... but you have to learn to not be afraid of taking these kinds of emotional risks
[SFishy] so we've now discussed the needs of love and attention, support and listening...
[SFishy] very important needs to say the least!
[SFishy] Peer relationships also need to be a two-way street...
[SFishy] they cannot be one-sided friendships or they can become particularly unhealthy... either for one person or for both...

[MrFishy] one sided relationships
[MrFishy] are when one person gets what they need
[MrFishy] and the other person doesnt

[SFishy] give us some examples of how a friendship can be one-sided...

[KShine] only taking not giving
[Bluestarr] not being there for them
[KShine] emotionally abusing
[pooklg] someone who never listens to you
[Bluestarr] not listening when they need to talk
[KShine] not being honest
[Picasso] only giving, not taking
[crevee] only contacting the person when you need something from them
[bean] they talk on & on....
[Bluestarr] only calling when you need something, not calling to see how they are
[crevee] and on and on
[primadonna] always being there
[KShine] not keeping confidentiality
[primadonna] when the other isn't
[AngelFishy] Hi Fishies, sorry I'm late. How's everyone doing?
[KShine] not respecting boundaries
[KShine] going beyond limits
[bean] I agree with Bluestarr
[KShine] making that person feel responsible for how you are feeling
[Bluestarr] doing things to manipulate things to go your way in the friendship
[KShine] making someone feel guilty for not being there for you
[juliaf] when you feel intimidated by the person and try to be happy and do what they want you to do just so they will be your friend
[Bluestarr] making them feel guilty
[KShine] controlling
[KShine] using people
[Picasso] that's a good one juliaf
[crevee] being needy
[pooklg] using
[crevee] clingy
[pooklg] doing what they want all the time
[primadonna] caring, but not being cared for
[Picasso] pushing them away whenever i'm sick (not letting them help)
[crevee] yes, Picasso!
[juliaf] i guess taking anyone as a friend regardless of the way the relationship is just to have a relationship with someone
[pooklg] hurting each other

[SFishy] GREAT answers!!!

[MrFishy] awesome!
[MrFishy] There are 2 major ways a relationship can be onesided
[MrFishy] (especially amongst ed sufferers)
[MrFishy] you always GIVE advice
[MrFishy] but never feel like you are given advice or listened to
[MrFishy] or
[MrFishy] you always lean on a person for support
[MrFishy] but never give support back

[SFishy] in healthy relationships...
[SFishy] it is SOOOOO important to find the balance between the two...
[SFishy] because inside a peer relationships... a true friendship... both people can get their needs met...
[SFishy] they can both feel listened to and supported... and can both be great givers of advice
[SFishy] one-sided relationships become draining emotionally... on EITHER end
[SFishy] and are unsafe for BOTH
[SFishy] of course... there are times when one friend may need support more than another...
[SFishy] and there is nothing wrong with that!
[SFishy] but sometimes we need to stop and ask ourselves...
[SFishy] "do I feel listened to?"
[SFishy] "have I asked him/her how THEY are doing this week?"
[SFishy] finding the balance is KEY...
[SFishy] a few years ago I attended a seminar that approached the subject of respecting boundaries...
[SFishy] and respecting the complete two-sided friendship...
[SFishy] and what I learned was this...
[SFishy] other than during specific times of duress (death of a family member... loss of a job... divorce... etc.)....
[SFishy] friends can learn to communicate to EACH OTHER...
[SFishy] spend the first half of your time on the phone talking about you... and then say "hey, okay... thanks so much... I want to hear about what's going on with you now..."
[SFishy] or spend the first half of your time with your friend listening and offering advice... and then saying... "hey, I hope I helped... can you help me with something for a bit?"
[SFishy] putting the needs of any person ahead of your own, while it seems nobel... only invalidates yourself...
[SFishy] and when you invalidate yourself, you inevitably end up feeling invalidated by your friend
[SFishy] what are some ways you think you can communicate effectively with your friends about sharing a two-sided friendship... how can you get what you need and still give too?

[Picasso] first i need to figure out my needs i guess
[bean] I've gotten better at setting boudaries in truly draining friendships..your "real friends" understand that
[Bluestarr] this is hard

[SFishy] yes... this is a hard question :)

[vmac] realize my needs are important and need to be met too
[primadonna] for me i guess it would be taking another chance with trust (i don't know that i can do that again)
[juliaf] not being scared ore embarrased to communicate my true needs and not shy away from giving advice because you worry about sounding dumb
[Teqkyla] my best friend and I have a code and we just call eachother up and then go for long drives to our secret place and we drive until we both have everythign off our chests.....I have had to refil my gas tank before....but it works
[leksis] I've found that you lose a lot of "friends" when you decide that friendship is a two-way street. Sometimes people get used to you allowing them to take from you without giving back.

[SFishy] I will give an example of something I do with a good friend of mine... she often has a lot going on in her life... and will talk a lot about all that... I will interject when appropriate and say "hey, I need you to listen for a sec and give me some advice..."

[Picasso] i guess i also need to be WILLING to have a two sided relationship
[AngelFishy] It's hard to assert myself at times in calls to friends when I need support; like I feel I can only be there for them and asking for time to me seems so selfish. I need to remind myself that my needs are just as important as those of my friends. I try to remember to love my neighbor as myself, not better than myself.
[vmac] i agree leksis
[bean] i agree Angelfishy

[SFishy] that's a good point angelfishy -- we should not love our friends more than ourselves -- that's what makes this so hard since a lot of us are still LEARNING to love ourselves!

[Picasso] two-way friendships are hard because i don't want to share my intimate details/problems
[vmac] i don't feel like a should be a needy person
[primadonna] i agree picasso...esp since everytime i've tried...it's come back to bite me in the butt
[allsmiles] a big step for me would be to tell some of my close friends about the ed

[SFishy] that goes back to putting yourself out on that limb picasso -- but you can't feel supported if you don't risk asking for support

[leksis] My husband and my circle of friends has really shrunk over the past few years, when we decided to only be with people who really care about us. Even family members can't handle the new and improved us - there is a price!
[AngelFishy] Yeah Picasso, two-way friendships can be real scary 'cuz we're letting others in our lives, but that's what we most need to do to fight the isolation of EDs.
[bean] allsmiles you need other support..

[SFishy] ah... leksis... but the payoff is worth it to have truly rewarding and healthy friendships, even if there aren't as many "people"

[leksis] Absolutely! My husband seems to have more trouble accepting this than I do.
[bean] how do you agree as a couple who the "quality" friends are?
[primadonna] k, but how do you deal when you feel you can't trust anyone to keep your "secrets"?

[SFishy] sometimes as well -- we get addicted to the "drama" that we are used to -- the problems that arise from unhealthy relationships becomes "normal" -- so it feels awkward when you start having healthy friendships... until you realize that drama and conflict aren't what anyone deserves, especially you

[pooklg] how about just trusting/ i let people in only so far, and then keep them away
[leksis] Oh, so true!
[Teqkyla] that is what I do to guys

[SFishy] that takes practice pook... it's just a matter of finding the people you trust the most and risking a little bit at a time...

[Teqkyla] I get so close ad then push them away and I don't know why
[AngelFishy] One thing I'm still fighting is the people-pleasing behaviors that worry whether or not I am "liked", and that can keep me from being honest. I need to remind myself that honesty (gentle, but honest) is truly more important in friendships that being liked and "nice". God, that sounded so dumb!
[pooklg] that is going on a limb, and my branch always cracks!
[Picasso] i'm just afraid of everyone

[SFishy] not dumb at all Angelfishy

[juliaf] same here teqkyla except for i take it to extreams and move away
[primadonna] not at all angel, to me it sounded a little too familiar
[leksis] I reach out to people and invite them into my life all the time, but most people seem to not follow up or extend themselves. After awhile I just give up - I don't want to beg anyone to be my friend.
[Teqkyla] It pisses me off...all I want is a boyfrienda dn I get close and then end it stupidly...I am a 3rd grader when it comes to realationships
[juliaf] so true leksis

[SFishy] "always" is a good word to remove from your vocabulary... just because it's happened once or twice or ten times, doesn't mean it will ALWAYS happen pook... there are a lot of people worth trusting in a two-sided friendship... take your time to find them

[AngelFishy] Leksis, yeah I think that happens to us all, and then we get gun shy and say Who Needs This! But we do need to keep reaching out.
[bean] maybe there're not the right friends for you Lek

[SFishy] a few more minutes and we'll move onto the next segment of the chat...

[leksis] AngelFishy, so I'm not the only one this happens to? It happens more often than not!
[primadonna] k, can anyone answer my trust question from earlier?
[leksis] Trust takes a long time to build - start slowly
[juliaf] i get frustrated because i can't make friendships then just start thinking well i am better then them and don't need them and convince myself of this time and again to only leave me hurt in the end

[SFishy] the simplest answer primadonna is practice... taking small risks with the people you trust most

[vmac] i havent' been able to find a level of trust i am comfortale with in relationships
[primadonna] i have no trust.....everytime i've trusted.....the trust's been broken in a harsh way
[leksis] It gets lonely when you decide to become self-aware and recover - you leave a lot of people behind
[pooklg] me too prima, someone always back stabbes it seem
[pooklg] uh-oh i said always again!

[SFishy] leks... find more people who are self-aware :)

* SFishy erases always

[AngelFishy] Prima, trust takes a long time to build (for me, anyway). I guess I share tiny bits of me, and when that feels safe, I share more. You have to trust your gut and error on the side of being careful. But we do need to trust the process and give people the chance to be trusted. it's hard
[bean] prima, when you find a great friend the trust will happen if you allow it
[primadonna] i understand pook, everytime i've "shared" with one person.....it never fails....everyone knows before the end of the day
[pooklg] lololol
[leksis] Oh yes, we are constantly trying - never give up

[SFishy] okay all... we're going to move onto the next segment... obviously relationships is something we'll have to cover again maybe next month too! :)
[SFishy] a complex issue
[SFishy] but the other thing we want to address tonight...
[SFishy] is that for the sake of this discussion...
[SFishy] there are two types of friendships...
[SFishy] relatiionships with ED-sufferers...
[SFishy] and relationships with non ED-sufferers
[SFishy] I think it's important that we realize...
[SFishy] non ED-Sufferers can learn... and through learning can be sympathetic...
[SFishy] but they can NEVER fully understand
[SFishy] nor should we expect them to!
[SFishy] Sometimes is can be a great benefit to have an "outsiders" perspective... a perspective that can be clearer and healthier
[SFishy] What are some problems that can arise from having relationships with non-sufferers?

[Bluestarr] they think there is a simple solution to ed probs sometimes
[Teqkyla] They think you are not trying when you really are
[Bluestarr] exactly teq
[Picasso] they get frustrated with me when i won't go eat with them
[bean] feeling as though you are dishonest somehow..
[leksis] They become the food police
[Teqkyla] or they don't know how to help and they end up hurting you when they really have good intentions
[Bluestarr] they think cuz they see you eat something, that everything is ok
[vmac] they simplify the problems
[primadonna] like when i broke down and told one friend, she informed me i can't have an ed because i don't starve or purge everything i eat.....not only did she not understand, but she told me how i was wrong and just lacking will power
[leksis] They expect you to report to them like a child
[primadonna] they make you doubt you
[vmac] they think you are seriuosuly mentally ill
[leksis] They don't understand why you can't "just stop"
[AngelFishy] For me, one prob with non-EDs relationships are that because they don't understand the complexities of EDs, they blow me off when I say I'm having a bad day or a fat day. They think because I look "fine", I must be doing okay, then I feel stupid pursuing getting my needs met.
[pooklg] too true leksis
[Picasso] i feel ashamed around them because they make me feel guilty for not being better already
[pooklg] thinking you are too old to have an ed
[juliaf] there is so little to talk about because at times the only thing going on in your life is dr appointments,health problems ,ect and it is not fiar to spill that all on them if they atre not comfortable hearing abou tit
[Bluestarr] they think it's all about getting attention and being self-centered
[pooklg] or, that it goes away,
[vmac] i've just have some people laugh at me--like it was funny
[primadonna] or they give you all the attention you don't want
[leksis] Yes, Angelfishy, you start feeling guilty about being needy and high maintenance
[Picasso] i agree juliaf (big problem)
[pooklg] or, that you are a failure because of the ed and giving in to the ed
[AngelFishy] Pook, Yeah, they think the ED went away and we're fine now.
[juliaf] yeah leksis
[Teqkyla] they think they understand and have all the answers when they have no clue
[allsmiles] sometimes they make insensitive comments and i don;t call them on it

[SFishy] good share...
[SFishy] now look back at your answers... and think about what you said...
[SFishy] in terms of friendship... and people you care about...
[SFishy] how can you communicate these problems with the people you want support from -- the people you want a two-sided healthy friendship with?

[Bluestarr] tell them straight up
[juliaf] keep trying to become healthier so my life is not consumed by those things so i will have something else to talk about with them
[vmac] tell them i need them to listen and that i am serious
[Teqkyla] tell them when they upset you and give them info so they better understad it
[Bluestarr] express how it makes you feel
[primadonna] maybe i just have suckie friends.....when i tried to explain to my friend she just explained to me that we weren't gonna agree on it so we dropped it
[Teqkyla] tell them not to lie to you and you won't lie to them!
[pooklg] i don't know if this is right, but while eating, my husband mentioned something about the oil they used, i asked him to please not discuss that while i am eating
[vmac] tell them that there are no simple answers
[juliaf] i feel that same way primadonna
[primadonna] quit being the "wall" for them and let them know sometimes you "crumble" too
[leksis] pooklg, that was a good thing you did. I have to tell my husband not to discuss "the food" while I'm eating too
[pooklg] tell them it never goes away,

[SFishy] along the same lines... what kind of SELF TALK can you do when it comes to handling these problems... or even trying to see it from your loved-ones perspective (when appropriate)???

[primadonna] ty julia....even though it sucks for us, i'm so glad i'm not the only one
[AngelFishy] I try to let my husband and non ED friends know when the ED stuff is hitting me big time. Sometimes that's all they need to know to just kinda support me without my having to go into gruesome details.
[Picasso] Self-talk: i remind myself that they REALLY don't understand but they're trying
[juliaf] that is a hard one and i am at a loss for words
[bean] I tell myself that it's too hard for him to really "get it"
[Teqkyla] yeah you got to tell yorelsf sometimes that they are doing what they are becasue they care and luv ya even if yuo don't approve..they are trying to help in the only ways they know how

[SFishy] I remember a long time ago Tony telling me... "I harp on the food sometimes because you can't work on the issues if you're dead!"
[SFishy] and that gave me a lot of perspective on where he was coming from with "food police" stuff

[pooklg] my brother's wife- elect is constantly talking about weight, and looking at me and comparing us...i tell myself i have anor, but she has ignorance
[leksis] I remind myself that it's MY issue, not his. I have a responsibility to myself and my marriage to not use my husband as my rescuer
[vmac] i have to tell myself not to get angry--that some of the people are not really aware of ed's and havent read about how harmful they are and how they are not cured in an instant and how it takes years to even begin to understand the root of the problem of what the ed is a symptom of
[AngelFishy] Yeah, self-talk always seems to turn nasty when the ED is in my head--telling me my non ED friends are better than me. What are some good self affirmations?
[primadonna] try to remember that just because my friend doesn't want to understand doesn't mean i am just lazy or lacking self will and control......and do my damndest not to let it throw me back into restricting so i can "prove" my ed is real
[Picasso] reminding myself (Yes, Sfishy) that my husband's true motive is for me to LIVE a long time with him
[leksis] Try to talk gently to your inner little girl, and remind her that she didn't cause this and she's not bad
[juliaf] that is brilliant mr fishy i never really thought of it that way..i just see the people as evil, so this is something to think about
[AngelFishy] Leksis, that's a beautiful image--my inner child. Boy, I wouldn't want any little child to go through the crap I put myself through! Thanks
[Picasso] (i still get mad at him, though, when he invades too much)
[leksis] AngelFishy, you're welcome! I must give credit to my therapist
[vmac] i tell myself that I am a good person despite this ED and i can say something to express my thoughts

[SFishy] so...
[SFishy] healthy peer relationships can be an important part of the recovery process...
[SFishy] they can be personally meaningful to our whole lives
[SFishy] and very rewarding...
[SFishy] Thinking about all we've talked about tonight...
[SFishy] what kind of traits do YOU want in the friendships you have, so that they can be healthy and productive?

[juliaf] some one to laugh with and have fun with
[pooklg] support, and trust
[primadonna] i want to trust my friends.....maybe i need new friends....
[vmac] listening on both sides
[Bluestarr] two-way street
[Picasso] i want someone who enjoys being with me and vice versa
[Bluestarr] love and support and trust
[vmac] honesty
[AngelFishy] I want reciprocity -- them to call me and initiate outings, etc., so I don't always feel like the one begging for friendship.
[Bluestarr] good times
[allsmiles] I want to be able to take more
[pooklg] patience
[Bluestarr] i want to give more
[primadonna] i want to not be used
[juliaf] a sister i never really had to shaare things with and form a close bond with so i can share my hopes, dreams and fears
[vmac] i want to express my needs and have somone listen
[Bluestarr] i want to say what i really feel
[vmac] i want to be able to set boundaries
[Bluestarr] and to listen to what ppl tell me
[juliaf] yeah angelfishy
[primadonna] i want someone to be there for me once in a while instead of always expecting me to be there
[Teqkyla] I don't want other realtionships to ruin the ones I have with my friends
[primadonna] exactly vmac, set boundries and stick by them
[Picasso] i want to be treated with respect
[juliaf] mostly just to have someone i feel totaly comfortable and safe with
[AngelFishy] I also want a meaningful connection. There's nothing more draining than being with someone and having it all be superficial.
[primadonna] i want ppl to keep me out of their arguements...not telling me who did what or why......

[SFishy] be vocal and tell them that primadonna! :)

[AngelFishy] Prima, yeah, gossip is a major energy drain. It's so hard being friends with women 'cuz it seems they get more caught up in that whole thing. Or is that just my experience?
[primadonna] amy :-) you're so awesome! thank you
[primadonna] nope angel...it's the root of my trust issue.......
[juliaf] i don't want to feel like an outsider and if i mention that i do i don;t want the person to turn on me
[bean] that's my experience too Angel
[primadonna] things have happened, i've told one trusted friend and then bam! the whole group knows.....no matter which one i've told!
[Picasso] i want to be heard, not discounted
[primadonna] amen picasso
[AngelFishy] Prima, that does suck, but then do we go back to not trusing Anyone and remaining isolated? It's such an eggshell walk sometimes.
[primadonna] yeah, but for now it's safe for me i guess

[SFishy] we've talked about a lot tonight...
[SFishy] and the last question I have on this topic...
[SFishy] is I'd love to hear you all express how you think productive and healthy peer relationships can contribute to moving towards recovery!!!

[vmac] acceptance of self
[bean] the support piece is crucial...
[primadonna] you'll keep less inside to deal with in a negative way
[Bluestarr] let you see that you are worth something
[leksis] They help to remind you of the positive energy that sharing can generate
[Picasso] learning to express myself (use voice)
[AngelFishy] For me, peer relationships help me not rely on my husband or therapist so much (and burn them out); plus, it forces me out of my isolation. And it can be fun too when I get over being scared about letting people in.
[Bluestarr] learning to accept yourself and others
[Picasso] me, too, AngelFishy
[vmac] separate youself from others
[leksis] Angel, that' a good point. My husband encourages me to use this website and other support, so he isn't my only source
[AngelFishy] 'cuz we can be a pretty need bunch--we need a wide support net so we can get our needs met if most of them are busy in a crisis or even in good time.

[SFishy] GREAT asnwers everyone...
[SFishy] last but not least...
[SFishy] the way we always end our chats...
[SFishy] I want to hear your SELF AFFIRMATIONS... tell me why you are a good person!!!

[vmac] because i can be kind to myself now
[bean] I continue to work towrds my goal-acceptance
[leksis] I am a very loyal friend
[Picasso] still thinking...
[vmac] i deserve to be in rcovery
[AngelFishy] I think I'm a good person 'cuz I take care of my family and kids and and a good friend. But I guess I have work just for being me and having been born. I do not need to earn my self-worth.
[AngelFishy] Man, I can't type for shi* today--but I guess I'm still worthy of recovery. Gotta go. Thanks for the chat!
[vmac] My body deserves all the goodness I can give it
[juliaf] because i try my best not to give up even thought it seems easier than fighting
[Picasso] i have two children to live for.
[primadonna] i'm following my dream finally

[MrFishy] Awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[vmac] My thoughts and opinions are important
[juliaf] because i keep picking myself up every time i get knocked down
[vmac] I have the right to ask for help when I need it
[MrFishy] damn right!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[juliaf] if i keep searching i will find a true relationship before i hit 70 yrs old
[primadonna] realizing i'm a person and i deserve the same respect i give to other people
[juliaf] wow these are hard to think of tonite
[primadonna] thank you amy and tony

[MrFishy] Awesome share tonight everyone!
[MrFishy] Thank you ALL for comming and sharing!

[SFishy] Thanks so much everyone for coming and sharing tonight...
[SFishy] we will have to do this topic again as it is so complex!
[SFishy] Our follow-up game on the bulletin boards will be posted in the next five minutes...

[MrFishy] a tuff one!

[SFishy] so you are welcome to join us on the bulletin board to participate!
[SFishy] and we'll see you next month!
[SFishy] Wednesday, August 29th

[MrFishy] Be good to you all!


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