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SFWED Live Chat for Support
Chat Support

Below you will find the list of available chat transcripts. Some of the older chats have not been included yet, but will appear here in the future.


Fishing for Support Chat -- AUGUST, 2003


Transcript note: Because of the particularly sensitive nature of this month's chat, each member's nickname has been changed to protect privacy.

[SFishy] Hey everyone... we're about to get started...

[MrFishy] Official Hola to all!

[MrFishy] *grin*

[SFishy] Remember everyone... we'll let you know when to answer our questions...

[SFishy] this is a recovery-oriented chat... and all we expect is you try your best

[MrFishy] Thinking caps on NOW!

[SFishy] So tonight we are going to talk a bit about body language

[SFishy] and hidden messages... messages we send through body language and actions

[SFishy] I'd like to start with everyone giving me an example of positive body language...

[pbf] standing tall
[k] eye contact
[ts] Smile
[uf] standing up straight, shoulders back, smiling.
[p] smiling
[uf] making eye contackt.
[fs] Leaning forward
[lb] eyecontact

[MrFishy] good ones RIGHT of the bat!! GOOD JOB!!!!

[pbf] walking with confidence
[d] sitting up str8
[ts] arms at side, not crossed in front of you
[tt] looking forward, directly ahead
[uf] nodding and smiling when listening.
[fs] Nodding when someone talks to you.
[uf] not fidgeting too much.
[p] keeping gaze even when talking
[p] leaning toward someone when they are upset

[SFishy] good answers everyone!

[MrFishy] Good answers!!!!!!!!

[SFishy] there is a lot we say through body language...

[SFishy] and a lot we learn through other people's body language

[SFishy] We learn a lot INDIRECTLY from our teachers, our peers, our parents, our siblings, and other role models as we grow up...

[SFishy] A lot of subtle messages just in the way people carry themselves

[SFishy] Can you all share with us one negative thing you feel you picked up from someone as you grew up... what subtle body language cues do you think you picked up on... name what it is and who it came from...

[sc] i keep my arms crossed over my chest and stare down at the floor. from my father
[p] keeping a physical distance (across the room) when upset with someone (dad)
[hm] not making eye contact from my mom
[uf] Arms crossed across the chest, lips in a straight line... My Mom... means she's holding something back, that is pretty mean.
[k] not looking someone in the eye - it came from my father - he said it showed disrepect and he hit me for it
[lb] figeting and not sitting still ---mom
[ts] I look angry when I'm thinking about something...My dad had the same look...I called it his serious look...I have to be careful when I'm concentrating to not have that expression
[lol] All I can think of is my dad's face when he got angry and that I think I look that angry sometimes too
[sc] it means i am unable to be open. i am hiding.

[MrFishy] Its a tuff question... so take your time if ya need too :)

[pbf] rolling my eyes (?) ... from my sister
[d] not looking people in the eye. (the saying if I can't see you you can't really see me) my mom
[fs] Well, I hug myself sometimes when I'm with my t, but I don't know specifically where I got it from except from inside of me!
[p] acting ashamed when divulging something personal (mom)
[uf] Yeah... at Therapy sometimes I'll be up on the couch with my knees up to my chest. It's to protect myself and "be small".
[ts] "stink eye" ... scowling at people when they don't agree with me ... from my mom
[sc] i also look down at the floor and hide behind sunglasses because i don't want people to see how ugly i am. this is also from my father who told me all the time
[uf] and if I'm wearing a hoodie sweater with the hood up... in black... it's a "don't look at me day"...my T calls it that.
[p] the chair in my therapists office doens't let me hug my knees, but I always want to and so I fidget in the chair.. =)
[uf] I want to be invisible on those days... just don't do it with food on those days.
[fs] If I ask someone to do something for me and they don't respond, I reach over and do it myself. Mom used to do that to me when I didn't response instantly.
[p] ya fs, me too
[ca] Lack of physical distance from... mother figure

[MrFishy] Tuff shares.....good job all! :)

[SFishy] thanks for sharing everyone... good job

[SFishy] it's amazing how much we learn by ACTION, not by what people say to us...

[SFishy] for example, one of the things that led to my own ED was how I was taught NOT to cope with things appropriate...

[SFishy] it wasn't anything my parents said... it was how they were... My father was an alcoholic...

[SFishy] and that indirectly taught me how NOT to cope

[SFishy] Think of one lesson you learned growing up through action... name who it came from, teacher, peer, parent or other role model, and how you think it effects you now...

[MrFishy] Take your time...this is also tuff :)

[hm] to not show my emotions from my mom
[lol] When there is stress or uncomfortable feelings leave - my parents.
[hm] emotions that us
[lb] can't burden others... everything needs to be okay.... parents
[uf] To not cry, EVER. From my classmates. And from my parents.
[sc] we were told never to speak of family business. i learned never to tell. it is very ingrained in me and is very difficult to speak of my family issues
[tt] my mom distancing herself and not opening up when she was going through a tough time and people could have helped her through it. a rescue the world attitude, but i don't matter
[k] never let anyone see how you really feel - we were told when you leave the house you represent the family - you must always look your best and be HAPPY!
[d] always putting other needs first. mom
[ca] That children are the only members of the population that can be silently abused. It effects me daily.

[MrFishy] I know this is tuff....and NO ONE is blaming anyone... you guys are doing great! :)

[fs] I "learned" to speak before I thought, like a kneejerk reaction to negative stuff. That was also from Mom. Yes, I've "unlearned" it, but I have to make a conscious effort to slow down my reaction time and figure out the best thing to do/say.
[ts] My mom showed her love by buying us things... she was never there physically or emotionally. Now, I hate materialism, but I also have a hard time accepting things from people... because I'm not sure if they mean it as a replacement for love, or as a sign of love
[sc] my needs were never to come ahead of others. that is selfish. my parents
[p] i learned to be ashamed when I didn't measure up. The action was cold withdrawn behaviour, or outright abuse like throwing stuff at me
[lol] "you don't really feel that" - learned my feelings can't be trusted - mom
[hm] same with me p
[tt] not to brag or be boastful. consistently be modest and don't talk about yourself. - not really sure, perhaps my parents, maybe society in general, maybe church
[uf] If you don't deliver the goods... grades, achievement, they won't "love you". Or it least they wouldn't love you as well.
[uf] Parents for the above one.
[fs] I can relate to a LOT of what you're all saying. Buying love, family business secret, not crying, acting all happy cheery in public...
[k] me too feskoli
[cff] Perfectionism...my mom.
[p] family secret is a big one for me too
[uf] I got 99 on a test once, and dad seriously asked where the other point was.
[lol] me too urban
[sc] never complain. never ask for anything, because i was a kid and kids were not to ask. my father
[lol] smile always
[p] asking for anything meant I was greedy

[MrFishy] Good share all...I know that was tuff for alot of you! :)

[SFishy] good job sharing everyone...I know how hard this is...

[SFishy] I think it's important to point out that we aren't talking about blame here

[SFishy] it can be important just to know where we learn our lessons from...

[SFishy] and a great deal of the time our role models are just passing on what they themselves learned

[SFishy] it's important for us to come to recognize that when we're talking about the subtle messages we learn...

[SFishy] we have to let the responsibility fall where it lays -- on the people who taught us -- but that isn't to BLAME and say "all your fault"

[SFishy] AND it's not that you were a bad child who deserved to be taught those messages

[SFishy] In thinking about where you learned your indirect messages from...

[SFishy] name one thing you think the person could have taught you -- who was it, and how could they have indirectly taught you a more positive way to be (with what type of body language)?

[uf] Mom says this herself... she always asks if she "hugged me enough". I tell her she did, and that she did a great job...(the best job she could)
[lol] Stay around and available even when feeling mad, sad, whatever
[hm] that I am okay the way I am -my mom- she could have let me be me
[uf] I make sure to never leave a friend or relative without showing/telling them that they mean a lot to me.
[tt] my mom - by actually seeing her directly deal with what was effecting her ability to cope, so that i could understand that she was a real person who does have emotions and does deal with them - she actually does this now. and it is helpful.
[ts] Mom or Dad...hugging each other, or me, or my sister or my brother... or showing any affection at all towards each other could have taught me to be more comfortable with myself and others... they weren't mean to each other... just... nothing at all
[fs] I don't ever remember seeing my mom cry unless she was in pain. It would've been nice to realize that mothers get sad too, and that it was ok for me to.
[ca] That hitting and hugging don't go together in the same sentence - and certainly not in the same relationship. Some of the worst abuse is from someone who will smack you and then turn around and try to hug you.
[lol] I wish they could have noticed when I was crying or hurt or angry instead of just ignoring the feelings and pretending I wasn't even there
[lb] By making showing affection real and not forced.... mom
[ts] my mom also...by not telling everyone she knew the things I told her in private... could have prevented me from having such a hard time with trust
[hm] exactly LiveOut Loud
[p] talking about emotions would have helped. For example, my mom would be upset and either not talk about it at all or make a joke to lessen tension instead of being real
[k] by letting me cry or show other emotions and let it be okay to do so, instead of abusing me when I wasn't just "happy"

[MrFishy] I know this is tuff... your ALL doing a GREAT job!

[cff] Less examining self and clothing in the mirror... More positive looks in the mirror... could have helped me worry less about the way I look
[uf] She always said I was so smart... odd as it sounds, I wanted to hear I was pretty.
[uf] She always focused on our brains and strength... as girls that's important.
[uf] but I figured she left out the pretty part because I was butt ugly.
[lb] letting me know that if I did something wrong it wasn't the end of the world
[p] less focus on how she (mom) looked
[fs] I don't know if this counts or not, but my mom went on a last minute trip overseas for 9 weeks when I was five, and I was sent to my aunt's house. I just wish i would've been told before she left, since that may be where my separation issues came from.
[ts] my dad... i wish he would have showed his anger instead of bottling it up and then blowing up once every three months

[MrFishy] Your guys are doing GREAT!!!!!!

[SFishy] good job all... I know how hard this is, and even painful... this are difficult questions

[MrFishy] This is NEVER easy... pat yourself on the back... cause I cant reach ya all! :)

[SFishy] when you were all growing up... think of a positive message you got... who did it come from... what was it?

[MrFishy] Take your time!

[p] my mom always told me I had a beautiful singing voice
[sc] a school teacher. she took me under her wing. she told me i was pretty and smart.
[fs] When I was in high school, my clarinet teacher gave me a lot of lectures on "confidence." He was talking about auditions, but I carried it throughout my life, which really helped.
[tt] a dance teacher who had unvanisable faith in my abilities when i didn't
[ts] Mrs. Swanson...my first grade teacher...she always made sure to tell every kid how proud she was of EVERY step we made, and we got rewards like time in the reading corner, or extra recess time with the "big kids"...she came to my graduation party and my wedding reception! I loved her...she was wonderful
[uf] Sra. McLaud my spanish teacher.
[a] My father always told me I could do anything I put my mind to.
[ca] When I was litlte, we had a Greek neighbor, a YaYa (a grandmother). She spoke mostly Greek, but she alwasys gave me this profound gaze when she knew I was about to get a beating session. It made the beating less painful.
[lol] A woman in a play with me who told me to stand tall and proud and that I was beuatiful and worthwhile
[fs] That's so cool, tear! I'm a first grade teacher, and hope to make some difference in my kids' lives...
[ts] fs...i bet you already have :)
[ca] Yep, there were so many great teachers, too!
[uf] I still talk with her and she was amazing. :) Got aperfect score on the state test. I really blossomed under her teachings.
[hm] I am having troule thinking of one
[lb] my biology teacher who convinced me that I was one of the only students that he thought was worth anything
[lol] The woman who ran the church nursery always told me how good I was with the children and babies

[SFishy] it can be a friend, a family member, a parent, a teacher

[p] hada music teacher who told me I was special
[tt] my little sister unconciously following in her sisters footsteps, but somehow only picking up on my strengths and then developing her own, but loving me despite any faults
[fs] My band director in HS was a gem!

[SFishy] good work everyone

[MrFishy] Good job all! :)....I want everyone to take a nice deep breath and smile!

[SFishy] part of recovery is recognizing all these things and you'll doing a great job

[SFishy] take a nice deep breath...

[SFishy] and lets talk about the here and now...

[SFishy] what kind of messages would you like to be sending out with your own body language?

[hm] that I am confident and approachable
[cff] love
[p] open, expressive, comfortable in my own skin
[tt] openness, acceptance, assured,
[ts] Friendliness
[uf] That I am a confident, capable WOMAN who is READY, WILLING and Able to live.
[fs] Real confidence and not sometimes forced/pretend confidence.
[cff] compassion
[tt] supportive
[ts] I always smile at people...especially children
[lol] I want my children to know they are cherished, loved, valuable. I want thenm to be confident, so they have to see that in me. I want them to be compassionate and assertive, so I need to be too
[lb] Confident and concerned
[cff] interest in others
[fs] Compassionate
[tt] fulfilled
[cff] fun
[p] empathic
[tt] willing, cooperative

[SFishy] tt: but what if you aren't? :)
[tt] willing and cooperative when i should be?
[tt] need to be
[ts] want to be

[SFishy] and what do you want to put out if you aren't willing or cooperative?
[tt] strength to stand by my own desires/values/interests

[SFishy] yay!

[MrFishy] there ya go tt!
[tt] :)
[ts] Genuine
[ts] Assertive
[ts] I want to be that "breath of fresh air" that comes into the room and makes everyone smile
[fs] I want to send the message that I'm comfortable in my body, whatever it looks like. (Yes, I'm in active recovery and stuff...)
[p] I'd like to be ok with having a different opinion from someone else
[ts] Because I look so content
[ts] And at peace with myself and the world
[tt] i'd like to be able to state my opinion without feeling the waters first
[cff] contentment...that's a good one, ts.
[ts] thanks
[fs] Risktaking

[SFishy] good job everyone...

[MrFishy] Good job everyone... you ALL should be proud of yourselves! :)

[SFishy] I want you all to hold onto what you said above... the messages you WANT to be sending out through body language...

[SFishy] what messages do you think you send out through having an ED? What messages are you repeating that you were taught? What are you expressing that you need, through body language, with your ED

[MrFishy] Take your time!

[p] that I am not comfortable in my own skin or expressing my emotion
[fs] Maybe that I was undeserving
[tt] that i'm incapable of handling myself as an adult (or rather, feel incapable)
[ts] I was rejecting feelings... because they didn't exist in my family
[lol] That I am still the little girl whose emotions were ignored and that they must be bad or wrong

[MrFishy] This is tuff... sit a sec and think if ya need to! :)

[ca] The weight is about perfection - but it's also about non-verballing asking for gentleness. But, to your second question - it's also about perpetuating abuse, too.
[fs] Yeah, that emotions are wrong, so you have to have some alternative outlet.
[tt] unreasonably - passion, dedication - acceptance (in the dance world)
[lb] By trying to be what my family wanted I gave up so much that I needed something for myself, be it healthy or not
[p] i got the message that emotions are disorganized and misplaced. I guess I am trying to avoid my own disorganization.
[tt] control
[ts] I was taking out my anger on myself... kind of like how my dad bottled up his anger inside... only I never let mine out because GIRLS weren't supposed to be angry
[cff] A couple years ago, I probably gave the impression that you had to be thin to be a good volleyball player.
[fs] Control was a big one for me, too. I had control over my body, but not my stress or my life.
[tt] an "excuse me, i'm not as perfect as you seem to want me to be, or believe me to be" ... a way of asking for help, without asking.
[ts] and it was also my way of saying "go ahead and try to hurt me...i already hurt myself worse"
[fs] Ditto ts--you can't buy your way outta this one--I'll make sure of it.
[tt] same fs. there's so much about my dance career that isn't in my control, that i needed something that was
[lb] cry for help that could not be spoken
[fs] Ditto lb.
[p] ya lb
[ts] and mom couldn't buy anything to make it better
[tt] a function of being overwhelmed - didn't like that - retreating
[ts] she tried tho
[p] a way of saying help me and stay away from me at the same time
[tt] ditto p

[SFishy] good answers everyone

[MrFishy] AWESOME AWESOME.....I BOW to you all!

[MrFishy] You guys have done SOOOOOOOOO good!

[SFishy] in the here and now... what are better, more productive, healthier ways for you to get what you need, for you to express yourself...

[ts] Ask
[cff] speak up
[hm] ask for what I need
[tt] speak up. honesty.
[lb] say it
[ts] use your VOICE
[p] take the risk that someone might actually come through for you if you ask, and try to counter the voices that you don't deserve it
[lol] ditto
[tt] *sighs* yes.
[cff] take action. Take risks. Leave my comfort zone.
[lol] pick up the phone, again and agian if necessary
[p] take people's word for it- for real
[ts] yes, lol...don't be afraid to try, try again
[p] ya
[tt] understand that people around me WANT to help - but you have to let them
[cff] write
[p] ya tt- that is so hard, eh?
[ts] To not blame myself if something doesn't work out...but instead try again, or try something else
[tt] yes.
[uf] Doing a LOT of that this week. Thought outside of the box and still managed to make things work.
[uf] sorry... Mom called. Good call actually.
[p] good!
[fs] Think/act positive and confident.
[ts] To remember the steps I have taken!
[cff] Give what you want to others... You'll get it in return.
[cff] Positive self talk.

[MrFishy] Mn....Im gonna buy you ALL a car!!!!!!!

[SFishy] great job all!

[MrFishy] And a bridge!

[MrFishy] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
* SFishy checks the bank account

[SFishy] ACK!

[SFishy] hehehehe

[MrFishy] Great job!

[MrFishy] Im SOOOOO proud of you all!

[SFishy] Body language is so important... and though we may have to relearn our own body language, it is possible for everyone to do...

[SFishy] how will you start tomorrow?

[SFishy] (even the smallest of ways count)

[MrFishy] and remeber the saying..."one of these days im gonna STOP saying one of these days"!

[fs] Smile more at my kids, and see humor in icky situations.
[uf] walk tall even on days I don't feel I look my best.
[uf] Usually no one notices the little thing I'm tripping about anyway.

[MrFishy] good point uf!
[lb] try to make eye contact when I am talking to someone
[hm] hmm I am going to smile a little
[fs] Compliment others more. Perhaps I'll get something in return, but I don't have to.
[uf] Remember to accept compliments graciously. :) Smile, say thank you, and reflect on it.
[tt] ah. yes, uf.
[ts] go out with my glasses instead of my contacts and not be scared someone will make fun of me (I'll try for a walk around the block at least)
[tt] introduce myself to someone in my econ class tomorrow morning

[MrFishy] wow....good step tt!
[uf] random chat up at a bus stop said I had great energy and a beautiful smile today.
[p] that's cool uf
[fs] Felt good, uf?!?!
[uf] YES.
[cff] Move around. Do stuff instead of sit.
[uf] Go to the grocery store in my pj's more. :) It's great to be there silly and NOT caring what the heck I look like.

[SFishy] I do that uf... frequently LOL

[MrFishy] hehehehe....i like that one uf...make sure ya wear bunny slippers!

[uf] even better to know I'm not wearing any wonderwear! :)
[fs] Someone said I was that nasty p word we hate, but I took it to mean she liked things that I do, and I DIDN"T think about all the reasons why I don't think I'm perfect.
[bb] what are we talking about?

[SFishy] Body language is so important... and though we may have to relearn our own body language, it is possible for everyone to do...

[SFishy] how will you start tomorrow?

[SFishy] (even the smallest of ways count)

[MrFishy] thats the question for the newcomers :)

[MrFishy] give us ONE bb and ig!

[ig] i'm going to be myself and not worry if that self is like everyone elses self
[ts] yay ig!!!

[MrFishy] there ya go!

[bb] i will start as i mean to go on
[bb] moving forward!

[MrFishy] Cool!

[fs] I can help make my students feel good with a pat on the back, or just touching their shoulder when I'm giving them a direction. Touch feels good!

[MrFishy] good job guys!

[tt] i *need* to speak clearly to the new modern dance instructor about my injury and its situation ... not just blow it off as if it wasn't important. speak clearly, look up. its ok, that i'm not completly functioning (or so i'm told)
[uf] I smile at everyone...it's the only smile they might get all day.
[bb] i will stay positive!
[ig] be confident even when i'm scared
[cff] Clap, give thumbs up, "ok"s, etc.

[MrFishy] good job ig!

[MrFishy] I like that one!

[ig] thanks

[SFishy] as we always end every chat each month... give us your positive affirmation for today -- what affirmation will you use tomorrow???
[bb] I am worth it!

[MrFishy] YELL THEM AT ME!!!!!

[uf] I messed up a long time ago, it bites me in the butt sometimes, but I will NOT let it bring me down.
[p] I WILL MAKE IT
[cff] I am content with who I am.
[bb] I WILL BEAT THIS!!
[ig] I matter
[lb] The past is in the past and I can only change the future
[tt] i am who i am, right now. that person, dancer, student, is ok, as is.
[cff] I am confident.

[MrFishy] CMON...I WANNA HEAR UM ON MARS TONIGHT!

[ts] The Me I am is the Me I am supposed to BE!
[hm] I am worthwhile and loveable
[fs] I'M OK JUST THE WAY I AM AND DON'T NEED TO CONFORM TO ANYONE'S UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
[uf] I AM A MASTERPIECE IN PROGRESS AND CONTINUE TO MAKE PROGRESS.
[cff] I take action and take risks.
[fs] oooh, IN PROGRESS--great phrase!
[ts] PEOPLE ENJOY MY COMPANY
[lb] EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES.... I CAN MAKE THEM TOO

[MrFishy] WOW.....I LIKE THESE!!!!

[cff] I am fun and people enjoy being around me.
[ts] I CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE
[uf] I AM FUN TO BE WITH! (thanks Mr Brown 7th grade health) ;)
[hm] I AM WORTHWHILE AND LOVEABLE
[ig] i accept my faults and dont hold them against mysekf
[fs] I DO make a difference!
[ig] ppl. do care about me
[hm] I like tears
[tt] i can. i will.
[fs] I'm loved.
[bb] I care about me!

[MrFishy] YOU ALL ROCK!!!!!!

[uf] I am PERFECTLY FLAWED.
[tt] i like that one uf

[MrFishy] GOOD ONE!

[lb] if everyone was the same the earth would be really boring

[MrFishy] Thats a GOOD bumper sticker phrase!

[uf] You can get it at Cafe Press. ;)
[ts] EVERYONE IS SPECIAL...AND I AM AN EVERYONE, TOO
[cff] I have superb body language.
[uf] Feel free to swipe it Head Fishies. :)

[MrFishy] everyone can pick up there FREE cars at the door on the way out......

[MrFishy] and the FREE bridge too! :)
[uf] Just get mine out of IMpound Mr Fishy.
[fs] Matchbox cars...
[ts] just a bus pass for next month, please :)
[tt] i'd be happy if you'd just wash my car ;)

[MrFishy] man....you guys rock! :) your willing to not put me in the poor house!

[ca] How about a horse, instead!!

[MrFishy] Im gonna keep you all!

[SFishy] thanks so much for coming tonight everyone!

[SFishy] You all did AWESOME!

[SFishy] I know tonight's topic was particularly hard...

[MrFishy] seriously...you guys did AWESOME.....If i had hands instead of fins id pat ya's on the back!
[ts] But WE ROCK!

[SFishy] keep an eye out on the bulletin board... we'll have a follow-up game in the next day or two

[SFishy] you ALL ROCK!

[bb] :)

[SFishy] and we'll see you next month, Sept 24th at 10pm ET (6pm PT)!

[SFishy] Be kind to yourselves...

[SFishy] and take care of YOU!!!!

[cff] Thanks a lot.
[bb] Take care everyone
[p] bye bye
[uf] Mwah my lovely fishies!
[hm] bye
[ig] buh bye

[MrFishy] Everyone have a GREAT day/nite.......

[MrFishy] later!

[SFishy] night all!

[tt] thank you. you too :)
[ts] thanks MrFishy, SFishy...YOU ROCK TOO
[bb] thanks mr & mrs fishy



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